


Keep Them Close

by Parhelionsol



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-07 14:51:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21459829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parhelionsol/pseuds/Parhelionsol
Summary: Now complete! This story begins with Nicky’s POV of deleted scenes in season 7 and follows her journey after her prison release. A canon compliant fix for the Nichorello ending we all wanted and deserved.
Relationships: Lorna Morello/Nicky Nichols, Piper Chapman/Alex Vause, Shani Abboud/Nicky Nichols
Comments: 52
Kudos: 53





	1. Eleven

**CHAPTER 1: ELEVEN**

**   
**

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, okay? If I’m moving too fast. I’m just trying to navigate our cultural differences here okay? You’re in the driver’s seat. You wanna just kiss? We can just kiss.”

“No. That’s not all I want.”

Shani pressed Nicky against the wall, making it clear that she wanted to be in the driver’s seat in another sense of the phrase beyond giving consent. Nicky tried slipping her fingers under Shani’s apron but she pushed them aside. Shani pulled Nicky’s pants down and grazed her fingers lightly over the top of Nicky’s underwear. Nicky pulled back and moved her hand away.

“Mmm. It’s lovely, but, uh quid pro quo.”

Shani knelt, ready to go down on her, but Nicky panicked.

“Okay, okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait. That’s very nice, but I’m a giver.”

Saying she was a ‘giver’ was putting it one way. Yes, Nicky did in fact like to please women and got pleasure from collecting orgasms as she phrased it. But when it came to her own satisfaction, Nicky was not into receiving unless she was in charge. Sure, Nicky liked to come too. But she preferred it to be on her terms. For the times that she didn’t just take care of it herself, she was content sitting on a willing girl’s face or grinding her pussy to another or even to a thigh. That was enough to get her off and she could stay in control.

Shani ignored her and pinned her arms so that Nicky lost her power.

“Okay. You know what they say, two tops don’t make a right.”

Nicky chuckled at her own words. Yeah, she was a top all right. It had been a long time since Nicky had let a girl just have her way with her. For one thing, her conquests in prison didn’t always express interest in returning the favor. And for another, Nicky just didn’t like letting her guard down. The only times she had been willing to submit in the past were when she was high.

But here in the prison freezer with Shani’s tongue against her clit, and her fingers swiping nearer her entrance, Nicky was far from high and she had never felt so uncomfortable with her physique. She felt hyper-aware of every imagined flaw and was trembling with self-consciousness. As Shani sucked her clit harder and began inserting her fingers, Nicky felt herself losing face and asked her to stop. Nicky desperately feared any expressions or sounds she might emit that would give away her vulnerability.

“Okay. Okay, okay, uh... okay I’m gonna pass out, so… okay you have to stop. I’m gonna die.”

Shani obeyed Nicky’s request and stopped stroking. She resurfaced from under Nicky’s apron, blinking at her expectantly. Nicky hesitantly looked her in the eye. Shani looked almost vulnerable too, and so open, and warm.

“You are not going to die. You trust me?”

Nicky nodded reluctantly. It was about time for Nicky to let someone into her heart, and from their time spent in the ICE kitchen together she knew Shani was a good person. This time when Shani resumed contact Nicky inhaled deeply and exhaled heavily. She instructed her mind to focus solely on the sensations below and for the first time in her sober life, Nicky let someone else make _her _feel good. Moans escaped her unwittingly as she finally let go. Nicky threw her head back, buckling at the knees and seeing stars.

* * *

It was a rare day when Nicky Nichols turned down sex, especially considering the sex with Shani had been so good, but the memory of Red trembling in the cold had completely ruined the freezer for her. Especially now that she had called Luda and discovered that Shani’s observations about Red’s mental state were, in fact, completely accurate, Nicky needed a distraction desperately and wished she hadn’t turned down Shani’s offer earlier. At least if she had a new memory to focus on she could maybe think about something else.

So she resorted to her phone, but scrolling through Facebook was giving Nicky a headache. Perhaps it was inspired by Shani’s own revelation of jealous feelings (“_You have a girlfriend?”_) when Nicky tucked Red’s letter down her scrub top, but Nicky found herself curious about Shani’s relationships too.

“What are you doing Nichols? You’re spending more time on your phone than me and that’s saying something.”

Lorna’s accusation was a welcome interruption.

“You don’t wanna know.”

Lorna sat next to her and tried to pry her phone out of her hands.

“Lorna! Cut it out, I mean it!”

Despite Nicky’s efforts to thwart her, Lorna seized her phone anyway.

“Oh, I should have known! Nicky Nichols, enameled by the enemy.”  
  
Lorna clicked her tongue and shook her head, passing the phone back to Nicky.

“She’s not the enemy! And you mean enamored, not enameled. She’s sweet, and she actually likes me which is more than I can say for anyone else in this godforsaken place.”

Lorna softened and tucked a curl behind Nicky’s ear before resting her head on her shoulder.

“I like you.”

“Yeah, well, that’s different isn’t it. You’re married now, remember? And I’m quoting you here, kid.”

“Yeah I know. I guess I just don’t want you to get into any trouble. How do you know she likes you and isn’t just using you to get her green card huh?”

Nicky rolled her eyes. “You really think I’m that bad of a judge of character huh? This coming from the one who married her prison penpal, you know you’re not exactly a good standard to measure by.”

“Uh, rude!”

“I’m sorry, all right, I didn’t mean it. I just know she likes me. She told me today even – uh, I forgot to look it up. What does ‘_ahd eshr_’ mean again eh?”

“Gesundheit!” Lorna giggled.

“Yeah yeah, that’s what the internet is for right?”  


(“_Put it on a scale. Like, uh, one to ten. How into me are you?” “Ahd eshr.”_)

Nicky typed Shani’s whisper into Google translate, savoring the memory from earlier that day. Luckily her guess was spot on, as the Arabic word sounded pretty similar to the Hebrew one.

“Eleven,” Nicky beamed, surprised and flattered despite her usual air of confidence. She smiled to herself and even Lorna could tell she was pleased.

“What?” Lorna asked absent-mindedly.

“Nothing, nothing…”

But as Nicky listened to Lorna start chattering about formula brands, she thought to herself that eleven wasn’t nothing at all. _Eleven_.

* * *

Handling rejection was not one of Nicky’s strong suits. Despite Shani’s supposed interest in her, she sure wasn’t acting like it lately. Between her recent rebuffs and Red cutting her out for her ‘betrayal’ with Luda, Nicky felt completely dejected these days. She thought about seeking Lorna’s company, but even Lorna didn’t want to spend time with her lately. The last time they spoke Lorna had accused her of not noticing Red’s condition because she was too busy trying to conquer Egypt. That one stung.

Prison was lonely enough without her family mad at her and Shani avoiding her. Nicky knew from her last time in MAX, she had to make the most of the time she wasn’t trapped in her cell or she would just end up using again, if not dead.

Nicky knew what she had to do when these thoughts overcame her. She had betrayed her mother. Lorna didn’t love her. Shani didn’t want her. She was useless. She walked the dreaded path from her cube to her destination. She hated when it came to this, but it was all she knew. Drugs were her only escape from the overwhelming thoughts of self-hate in her mind, so she really had no choice.

“Nichols.” A familiar voice greeted her. “What a surprise. It’s been awhile.”

“Yeah, well, you know me,” Nicky mumbled, embarrassed. “Can’t stay away.”

“You know you’re always welcome.”

Nicky nodded and took a seat at the last open table in the rec room.

“Okay, so, who would like to share next?” the counselor asked.

Nicky took a deep breath and listened to a fellow inmate lament her days long gone of doing meth. She took in her each word and of every inmate to follow as though it were scripture, and she chanted the serenity prayer with sincerity upon closing. She wanted nothing more than to work the program and keep herself clean. She had to keep it together so she could be there for Red when the time came. She had to.

“Nichols… what are you doing back here? Thought you shook the itch for good.”

“I could say the same for you, Vause.”

Alex walked the prison halls with Nicky in the direction of D-block even though she would have to circle back to her own dorm soon enough.

“Yeah, well. I guess you never know when you need a reminder.”

Nicky couldn’t agree more. “How’s married life?”

Alex pursed her lips and shook her head lightly.

“Turns out being prison married isn’t all that great when you’re not both in prison.”

“Sounds about right. I’m sorry, Vause.”

They reached the gate to D-block and an officer instantly noticed Alex. She stuck out in her navy scrubs amongst all the khaki.

“Inmate! I mean, Ms. Vause. You’re outta bounds. Back to C-block.”

Alex grimaced and poked Nicky with her elbow as if to say good-bye. As soon as Nicky entered her cube Lorna ambushed her.

“Where the fuck have you been? They want us down at ICE, now! A delivery came early or something and we gotta deal with it. We’re waiting for you! And we gotta go fast because I wanna make it to visitation all right? Hurry up!”

“Jesus, relax, all right. How was I even supposed to know? It’s fine, I’m coming.”

They hustled to the van, where the rest of the crew waited to travel to the ICE detention center. Lorna kept pestering Nicky, asking her where she had been earlier.

“Lorna, it’s nothing! I was just at AA, okay? What’s with the third degree?”

“Why were you at AA? You know if you feel like using you just gotta talk to me or to Red—“

Lorna fell silent.

“Yeah you two haven’t exactly been keen to listen to my problems lately.”

Lorna didn’t deny it so Nicky just looked out the window. At least once they got to ICE Nicky could maybe find out what she did to upset Shani. After all, she genuinely seemed to like her just the other day. Maybe Nicky could charm her way up to an eleven once more.

* * *

“Fuck, you have great tits.”

Nicky marveled at the only part of Shani’s body she was supposed to touch right now. They were at the point in Nicky’s g-spot-colonizing mission where Shani didn’t flinch at her every touch down there, but they had made no break-throughs on the orgasm front. Nicky was getting frustrated with herself and Shani really needed a break, so they had agreed to hang out on second base for a while.

“Mmm, so do you.”

Nicky scoffed and looked away.

“Not that you let me really enjoy them. I want to see you, please?”

It was Nicky’s idea to keep the waist down closed for her as well until they made more progress with Shani. But, as with to most of Nicky’s ideas, she didn’t fully think this one through. While Nicky absolutely did love the feel of girls touching her boobs, she preferred to stay covered up. She usually kept her t-shirt on for sex, or her towel wrapped around her if they were in the shower, but with all the focus on her boobs today her discomfort with displaying her chest had become glaringly apparent.

“Nah, c’mon, let’s just focus on you right now.”

Kindly, Shani moved Nicky’s hands into her own and met her eyes.

“Why? Because of your scar? I have felt it already. I don’t care. And, that is unfair. I let you see all of me.”

Nicky bit her lip. She had a point there; Shani had far more scars and they came from places of much deeper trauma. But it wasn’t just the scar. Even before Nicky’s heart surgery she felt too self-conscious to expose her chest most of the time. Unless, of course, she was too high to bother feeling shy, but she really didn’t give a shit about anything at all when she was high.

Shaking her head, Nicky half pursed her lips and half smiled.

“I’m too shy.”

Shani sighed but didn’t push the matter.

“Okay, then can I…” Shani trailed off and moved her hand under the waistband of Nicky’s underwear, but Nicky stopped her.

“Nicky, why? I feel like we are in high school. It is bad enough living in prison with all the rumors and fighting, why must our sex life mirror high school too? Let me please you.”

Stubbornly, Nicky shook her head again.

“No! I already told you. Quid pro quo.”

“I am not familiar with this American phrase, ‘quid pro quo’ as you say.”

Nicky smiled. “It’s Latin. You know, it’s about fair exchange. Tit for tat.”

Shani raised her eyebrows and resumed her ministrations under Nicky’s shirt, winking at her and saying, “You mean tit for tit.”

“Now you’ve got it,” Nicky laughed and kissed her full on the mouth.


	2. Empty

**CHAPTER 2: EMPTY**

“I understand, all right. You need to move on. But I can’t let her go when she needs me most. You need to tell them not to transfer her.”

“It’s not up to me. And I think it’s already a done deal. I’m sorry.”

Vince left Nicky crying alone in the visitation booth. Their visit had been short, and there was still a lot of time left. But nobody told her to leave, so Nicky just stayed in her chair to take some time to process everything Vince had told her.

She buried her face in her hands and shook, sobbing and letting the news of the baby’s death really sink in. Nicky was in shock. All this time, Lorna had been showing her all those baby pictures and sharing elaborate stories about how he was changing. Nicky knew it was stupid, but she had formed an emotional attachment to this baby that she suddenly learned had been dead all this time. It had all been a fantasy.

True, Nicky would roll her eyes at how often Lorna talked about the baby and she sure as shit didn’t let it show, but she had actually cared about Sterling. She even had fantasies of her own, about getting out of prison one day and being Auntie Nicky. What a laugh. She was such a fool.

Nicky took a deep breath and wiped her tears away, squeezing her eyes shut tight and turning her mental focus to Lorna.

What on earth was Nicky going to do about Lorna?

She just couldn’t let her transfer to Florida. Vinnie had said, he knew she loved her but that this was the right thing to do. Nicky refused to believe that. Separating them would only make Lorna worse. Right? Nicky needed to find a way to get someone to stop this transfer.

“Ms. Nichols. Ms. Nichols… Nichols!”

The voice of a guard shook Nicky from her thoughts.

“Huh, what?”

“Visitation is over. You need to leave. Get back to work duty, now. Come on, you know the drill.”

Nicky rose from her chair but didn’t bother correcting the guard. What was that one’s name again? Blake? He seemed awfully kind for a corrections officer that had a seemingly obstinate inmate in front of him. She got lucky. She actually did _not_ know the drill. She was entirely unfamiliar with what she was supposed to do after visitation. The last time anyone came to see her had been during her last time in MAX when Luschek gave her that half-assed apology. Luschek… that gave Nicky an idea.

“Ms. Nichols, I told you it’s time to go back to work. Come on, let’s go to the van and I’ll take you to kitchen duty.”

She was supposed to go back to the kitchen. Nicky knew they needed help in there, and she definitely wanted to see Shani. She had not been able to see her as much as she would like since Lorna came back from medical. But Shani would have to wait.

“Uh, actually, I’m not supposed to work kitchen today,” Nicky lied. “Officer Luschek requested me to help him fix something in the rec room.”  
  
“Where’s the work order?"

“Oh well he didn’t write me one, you know Luschek.”

Blake couldn’t help but chuckle at that, but he still seemed only half convinced.

“Come on man, I used to work electrical for Luschek up at camp. I know how to fix all that shit, that’s why he requested me.”

“Language, Ms. Nichols,” Blake reprimanded, but that last plea seemed to fully convince him. “Get a move on, then.”

Nicky hustled out of the visitation room and made her way to the rec room, hoping desperately that Luschek was there and was willing to help her. As far as she was concerned, he still owed her. She only hoped she wouldn’t have to grovel too much.

* * *

“I thought marriage was supposed to last forever. We was the perfect family. How can he take my baby away?”

“You still have family, okay? We’re gonna get through this okay? There’s, uh… there’s some things we need to talk about first.”

Now seemed as good a time as any to bring up the baby’s death. Lorna seemed relatively lucid and was at least willing to acknowledge the reality of her divorce. Nicky braced herself to shatter Lorna’s delusions, but a knock on their cell doorway interrupted her.

“This is from Shani. I’m sorry.” Flaca handed Nicky a crumpled piece of paper and didn’t linger, rushing away from their cell near tears.

Nicky’s stomach dropped. She didn’t know what the note would contain, but judging by Flaca’s face and tone it was nothing good. She read Shani’s letter and made her way to the bottom bunk with Lorna. The contents of the letter horrified her.

“What is it honey?”

Nicky only curled up next to Lorna and started to cry.

“What is it? Hey.”

“So fucked up.” It was all she could choke out.

“It’s okay.”

Nicky passed Lorna the letter, unable to vocalize the contents even though they kept flashing in her mind against her will. And suddenly Lorna was stroking her hair; Lorna was whispering soothing words in _her _ear; Lorna was the one comforting _Nicky_.

This was all wrong, a total role reversal. Nicky was supposed to help Lorna face her own reality. Lorna needed her. Nicky couldn’t fall apart now, but that letter truly broke her. Why had they never discussed Shani’s case? Or the reason she left Egypt in the first place? If Nicky had known, maybe she could have done something to help. She did have family connections to lawyers, after all. Nicky deeply regretted skipping kitchen duty today. It would have given them a chance to say goodbye.

“Nicky, Nicky, Nicky.” Lorna shook her, trying to get her to calm down. “Listen to me. She’ll be all right. Okay? She’s gonna be just fine.”

“Stop it Lorna, just stop! Didn’t you read this or have you got your rose colored glasses glued on too tight? Her father wants her dead and our fucked up country just sent her right back to him.”

“You don’t know what’s gonna happen. How could a father just murder his own daughter? You’ll see Nicky, she’ll be all right. You gotta believe that.”

“No!” Nicky yelled at her, misdirecting her anger and her frustration and all of her grief at the wrong person entirely. “You need to face the truth sometimes, Lorna! Shani is gonna die. There’s no use pretending she’s not. Just like your baby, okay? Sterling is dead! Just _stop pretending!_”

Lorna’s eyes glazed over strangely.

“I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just say that to me, because I know you’re upset about Shani right now. But you can’t say things like that Nicky.”

Nicky only sobbed into the pillow. Lorna was really living in denial.

“Nicky?”

Nicky climbed up to the top bunk in silence.

“Stop ignoring me!”

“We’ll talk about it later, okay? Let’s just… let’s just talk about it later.”

Nicky curled up in her bed and stared at the wall. She heard Lorna cry herself to sleep below her, but she didn’t know what to say. The whole reason Nicky got Luschek to room them together was so Nicky could help Lorna. Be there for her. Get her to face the truth and be a source of comfort in her grief. But right now, Nicky just couldn’t do any of that. She had her own demons to fight first.

* * *

“There’s strength in admitting what you can’t do. Nobody likes it, but it’s self-preservation.”

These were not the words Nicky wanted to hear. She wanted Red to tell her that if she tried hard enough she could get past any wall. And Lorna had put up a big wall. Nicky was heartbroken after her second attempt to get Lorna to admit Sterling’s death went so poorly. Even so, she wasn’t ready to give up.

“It’s getting late. Can you get Norma, Gina, and Tricia for me? It’s time to start preparing dinner soon.”

Nicky’s heart sank. It looked like helping Red might be another one of those things she had to admit that she just couldn’t do.

“Uh, can we just stay here a little longer?”

“Okay, dochenka, a little longer.”

Red swiped Nicky’s nose fondly and Nicky leaned into her touch. She nuzzled her head into the crook between Red’s neck and shoulder and clung to her arm needily, like only a daughter does with a mother.

For a moment, Nicky understood why Lorna kept up the charade of her perfect family all this time. Here with the comfort of Red’s warmth and love, she could almost pretend that they were back in minimum and none of the last few months had ever happened. She could imagine that Red wasn’t deteriorating just as quickly as Shani predicted, that Shani was going to be fine, and that Lorna’s condition was not beyond Nicky’s help. She almost felt like it really was time for Red to gather their family for dinner prep. Nicky missed those days so much, at least as much as one can miss any day in a prison and stripped of freedom. Even though they were in prison, though, they were more of a family than Nicky had ever experienced on the outside. So for this moment, Nicky actually had more empathy for Lorna’s delusions than ever before. She pushed closer against Red and let herself entertain the fantasy for as long as time would let her.

Unfortunately, one of Nicky’s tried and true catchphrases proved true once more. Nothing lasts. A voice on the intercom eventually announced that it was time for dinner.

“What was that? A dinner announcement? But I haven’t made it yet.”  
  
Red looked to Nicky in pure confusion and Nicky’s eyes leaked tears. She knew all about dementia, but she had never seen someone she loved so dearly struggle with it before. Despite her feelings of panic and helplessness with what to do in this situation, Nicky tried to stay calm for Red’s sake.

“It’s okay Red, you had the day off today all right? Let’s just get you back to C-block.”

“C-block? Nicky what on earth are you talking about? Do you mean the cafeteria?”  
  
Nicky’s tears continued to fall. “No, ma, there’s no cafeteria here all right? You eat in C-block now.”

“What do you mean there’s no cafeteria? Why are you crying?”

“We’re in MAX, mom. We got to MAX a few months ago remember?”

“Ah, sure. Is this some sort of joke I’m not in on?”

At this point the rec room had cleared out and a corrections officer was making his way over to them, likely to lecture them not to be late to dinner. It was Hellman.  
  
“Fuck,” Nicky muttered. She wiped her face and tried to compose herself.

“Inmates! Get your asses back to your blocks, now.”

Red took a look at Hellman and the room around her.

“Who are you? Nicky where are we?”

“Now, inmates.”  
  
“Please,” Nicky begged. “Let me talk to her a little longer. She’s confused.”

“Don’t call me confused!” Red snapped. “I need to get to the kitchen.”

“I don’t think so, Reznikov. Back to C-block with you.”

“You too with this C-block. What the hell is C-block?”

“I’m not playing games. Leave now, or I’m writing you a shot.”

“No!” Nicky jumped in. “You can’t do that, she’s not playing. She… she doesn’t know any better. It’s… complicated.” She glanced at Red, wishing she could trigger her memory and not have to explain her dementia to her. Why wasn’t Hellman informed of her condition? What the fuck was wrong with him, and this place?

“Don’t you two talk about me like I’m not right here!” Red seethed.

“Yeah see, she’s out of line. And now I think I’ll write you up too Nichols.”

“No! Please,” Nicky pleaded with him again. Her sentence was finally down to months instead of years. She couldn’t have shots on her record. “It’s…” Nicky lowered her voice to a whisper. “She has dementia. Please just let me walk her back to her block.”

Hellman nodded curtly as if to acknowledge understanding of the situation.

“Fine. I won’t write the shots. But you can’t walk her back to C-block. If this is what you say it is I gotta get her moved to Florida.”

“No!” Nicky couldn’t let that happen. “It’s not good for her! She won’t know anyone there. She needs her family to help her memory come back.”

“Maybe for a less severe case she could stay with gen pop. But she needs more supervision. No offense Nichols, it just is what it is.”

Nicky shook her head, all pride out the window and tears pouring freely in front of Hellman.

“No. No, no…” Nicky cried and repeated Red’s earlier words to her inside her head. _There’s strength in admitting what you can’t do_. She had to be strong. For Red. “Can I at least walk with her and say goodbye?”

Hellman nodded in assent. “Yeah, to Ad Seg for now. Gotta clear a cell in Florida and get the paperwork squared away first.”

Nicky took Red’s arm in hers and walked her down the halls to Ad Seg.

“Nicky, where are we going?”  
  
“Ma, it’s gonna be okay. You’re not in trouble, all right? You’re just getting transferred to a new part of the prison. I’ll try to come see you sometimes, okay? I don’t usually clean in Florida, but who knows. And come to yard time all right? I’ll see you in the yard.”  
  
They reached an empty Ad Seg cell and Hellman opened it, gesturing for Nicky to wrap it up.

“In you go, Reznikov.”

Red’s eyes darted to the single room anxiously. “What? No! Nicky, don’t go. Don’t leave me here. Nicky, you can’t leave me in here!”

“I’m so sorry, ma,” Nicky sobbed, grabbing her for one last hug. “I love you.”

Nicky rushed back to D-block for dinner, trying to brace herself her next battle with Lorna. Getting Red sent to Florida was breaking her heart, but Nicky thought that maybe Red was right after all. She had to admit what she couldn’t do, and she had to be strong enough to acknowledge that. She certainly couldn’t take care of Red by herself, and she vowed that if Lorna had another out of control episode she would ask for help then too. It was self-preservation, like Red said, but it was more than that. Gen pop was just too chaotic for Lorna and Red in their current mental states. And Nicky had to preserve them too.

* * *

Nicky’s bunk was too quiet. Days after Lorna’s transfer to Florida the prison had yet to replace her with a new cellmate, so she was all alone. She didn’t exactly have a window to confirm her suspicions, but she was pretty sure it was almost morning. Her insomnia had really augmented with all the changes around her.

Sleepless and wallowing, with nothing at all to do, Nicky reflected on her day. It was Alex’s transfer date, so first thing that morning she had said her goodbyes. Nicky almost wished she was going with her. The rest of their family was already there anyway. Alex was basically her last remaining (cerebrally-grounded, at least) friend in Litchfield. Sure, she had spent her whole life living in New York, but she didn’t really feel any tie to the state. Her familial relationships before prison were beyond lacking, so she wouldn’t really be leaving anything behind.

Except, of course, Lorna and Red. And she couldn’t leave them. She already had doubts in her brief acceptance of their moves to Florida. After saying goodbye to Alex, Nicky had gone to the yard hoping to see them both. Red visited the yard with a group of older women, but she hadn’t recognized Nicky at all. And she talked to Frieda with no resentment whatsoever. It seemed like her memory was getting even worse, not improving. And Lorna hadn’t even come outside. So for all intents and purposes, she truly was all by herself. The thought of moving to Ohio with Alex appealed to her even more strongly as the loneliness overcame her.

But it wasn’t up to her. She had cashed in all her favors with guards and there was no legal reason for her to get a lawyer involved. She would just have to finish her sentence in solitude. Nicky began to cry for what felt like the millionth time that week. She was so tired of crying. Getting her family stripped from her had really thrown her into a major depressive episode. Nicky had never been able to manage her depression well, and especially not alone. She always needed someone or something to make her feel _good_, or to at least make her numb and not feel this pain anymore. And here in prison, feel-good options were thin on the ground.

Nicky got out of bed and dressed herself, almost certain that the lights would be on any minute now. She should have known it would come to this. After all, she could never stay away for long, and history always repeats itself. C’est la vie.

The lights came up moments later. Nicky’s internal clock was spot on all right. Blame it on her neurosis coupled with her itch for a fix. As soon as a guard unlocked her cell door, Nicky grabbed her toiletry bag and rushed out of her cell. The guard gave her a surprised look but Nicky simply muttered, “Irritable bowels.” It was a lame excuse considering she had a perfectly fine toilet in a private cell to boot, but Nicky proceeded to hustle to the bathroom nonetheless.

The showers were predictably empty, due to the earliness of the hour, so Nicky claimed a stall on the far end and took out her shampoo bottle. Only, this bottle did not contain shampoo. The contents rattled as Nicky struggled to open it, hands shaking from nerves. She finally popped the cap off only for all the pills to explode out the top and fall to the floor.

“Fuck!” Nicky swore loudly and instantly regretted it.

“Hello?” a voice echoed in the bathroom.

The pills started rolling out of her stall and directly towards the doorway. Of course the prison floor wasn’t level.

“What the hell?” Nicky now recognized the voice as Taystee’s, and heard her footsteps follow the trail of pills to her current location. Nicky crouched on the floor, grimacing with guilt. She didn’t even bother trying to play it cool; there was no one else around to blame.

“Aw, hell, naw, Nichols, not on my watch. The fuck you think you’re doing?”

“C’mon man, we really gonna do this? You can just walk away, all right. You were never even here. You’re not responsible.”

“Fuck that!” Taystee picked up as many pills off the floor as she could and took the shampoo from Nicky with ease despite her protests. Taystee scoffed at Nicky’s efforts to reclaim the bottle. “Please, like you could ever take me. You act tough but you a smol bean Nichols. Where the hell you even get these?”

Nicky sighed and rolled her eyes. She could lie, but what was the point?

“Morello got them in medical after her c-section. But she didn’t take them, something about not wanting her head in the clouds. What a fucking joke.” Nicky almost laughed but the humor caught in her throat and choked her with despair. She tried not to cry, although some genuine tears might actually help her case with Taystee. “So I swiped them. Once a junkie, always a junkie, you know.”

“And you just taking them now?”

“Yeah, well, desperate times…” Nicky bit her cheek, tears threatening to fall.

“Look, you been clean all this time, you can’t give it up now. Let’s just dump these down the drain all right? I know you’re going through a lot but you can’t just give up. I won’t let you.”

Nicky laughed sadly. “Okay, Taystee. Dump them down the drain. I don’t give a shit.” She grabbed her shower caddie and started to leave.

“Uh, where do you think you’re going? We ain’t done here.”

“It’s fine Taystee, just drop it. It’s whatever.”

“No way. I’m not gonna let you just run off to Daya or whoever and get some more of these so you can do this later. You think I’m stupid?”

Nicky actually smiled a little bit. “Yeah okay you got me. You got my number all right. Damn. No, I don’t think you’re stupid. I just don’t really see the point in pretending, okay? This is who I am. This is what I do.”

“But you can’t. That shit, it’s serious. It could kill you.”

“Yeah, I’m aware. So fucking what.”

Taystee looked at Nicky sadly and spoke to her from the heart. “Listen to me, I know how you must be feeling. But you can’t do this.”

“I can’t even believe this is coming from you. A couple years ago you were dealing heroin for Vee like it was fucking candy, or did you forget? You gave me the shit that got me sent to MAX and kicked off the wagon the last time, remember? Isn’t this fucking ironic.”

“No, I didn’t forget. And I really am so, so sorry.” Taystee nodded and looked Nicky in the eye to show her sincerity. “I see things different now. Getting a life sentence… it changed me. I tried to kill myself too, but someone helped me choose to make my time count. Nichols, you only got a few months left in this shithole. You can get outta here and you can leave this all behind. I would kill for another opportunity to start over. Don’t you throw it all away.”

The truth of Taystee’s words and the realization of what she almost just risked stung deeply. Nicky couldn’t hold her tears anymore, beyond touched that someone actually seemed to care, genuinely care. Taystee took Nicky in her arms warmly as she sobbed.

“Why are you helping me? Why do you even care?_”_

“I can’t let you die too.” Taystee was crying now as well. “You can’t die too.”

Nicky didn’t know what she meant at first, because so many people in the prison had died around them, but then she remembered Pennsatucky. Taystee was the GED tutor, and Penn was her student. Nicky knew she had killed herself just recently. She hadn’t really processed it yet, dwelling on the pain of losing Lorna, Red, and Alex instead. But now Nicky took a moment to remember Penn, and knew she would actually miss her too. After all, Penn helped her get clean that one time. She had been kind to her, for seemingly no reason at all. Just like Taystee was taking her on now. Maybe there was some good still in this world. Maybe life was worth living after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Sorry it took so long to get this posted! I know it sounds stupid, but this was a super angsty chapter and writing these scenes really took an emotional toll on me. Here’s to some upswings in future chapters ☺


	3. Loose Ends

**CHAPTER 3: LOOSE ENDS**

“All right Nichols, you’re in charge. Let’s see what you got.”

Nicky wasn’t sure what she was expecting to come out of Officer Bell’s mouth, but it certainly wasn’t that. It was the day after Gloria’s release, and the ICE kitchen team needed to replace her as head chef.

“Oh, I don’t really think…” Nicky trailed off to no avail. Bell had already left the room. The kitchen crew looked at her expectantly. Nicky cleared her throat awkwardly and looked around a little helplessly. “What are we supposed to make today?”

Flaca pulled out Gloria’s prep binder and brought it to Nicky. “Here, she kept all the menus and recipes in here. Looks like she’s got the rest of the week spelled out for us then we’re on our own.”

“Uh, I guess we should get the rice going? And uh veggie prep? Somebody wanna do that? Fuck, I don’t know how to make this shit.”

“It’s fine Nicky, I’ll help you.” Flaca gave instructions to each crewmember and got the meat out of the fridge. “Here, we can work on this together.”

“Thanks.” Nicky felt relieved. “I think they made a mistake here, you should be in charge. Clearly I don’t know how to run a kitchen but you’re making it look easy. I’ll go tell Bell.”

“Nah, forget it.”

“Why not? You just saved my ass here, it should be you. I only got a few months left and plus I can’t cook. You’ve been working kitchen way longer. You should do it. I know for a fact this job comes with a raise. You’re the one who deserves it, not me.”

“Not gonna lie I could use the money. But I can’t take on more responsibility in here, I gotta help these girls get lawyers and shit. I’ll help you get comfortable but then I gotta turn my focus to immigration rights.” Flaca dropped her voice. “I think I got a lead on finding Maritza. I can’t stop now.”

“Yeah, I get that. Okay but do you think maybe someone else would be better at this than me? I’m really not comfortable with this.”

“I don’t think you got a choice Nichols. Who gets what job in here, it ain’t up to us. Embrace the opportunity. You should be excited about this just cause you can meet new girls. You can have fun with the power dynamic.” Flaca winked at her but Nicky scoffed.

“I’m not interested.”

“Ain’t like I don’t know about your reputation. You think I don’t know about your bang off? Please, everyone heard about it because Chapman kept running her mouth about how she deserved more than a three.”

“Those days are over. My heart can’t take any more heartbreak. And Chapman is so fucking full of herself she’s lucky she got a three.”

“Yeah, you right, that bitch a three for sure.”

They snickered for awhile and then Nicky sobered, still daunted by the idea of taking on the head chef role.

“Okay seriously though, I really don’t know how to run a kitchen. I’m not a great cook or even close, I used to live on take-out and microwave dinners.”

“You don’t gotta be. We’re not exactly gourmet cooking in here. You just gotta boss everybody around and make sure we get the food out on time. You can do that. It would make Red proud.”

Flaca sealed the deal with that one.

“Yeah, either that or she would take one look at our food and call me an embarrassment. Either way, a daughter fulfilling her role…” Nicky mused. “Okay but you really do have to help me in the beginning right?”

“You got it.”

“Thanks. Hey, uh, you heard anything about Shani?”

Flaca shook her head sadly. “Not a whisper. But I’ll keep listening for you.”

Nicky’s heart sank a little. Her hopes hadn’t been high, but some small part of her hadn’t given up. She may have told Lorna to quit dreaming, but Nicky wasn’t ready herself.

* * *

Weeks passed before Nicky felt a little more comfortable in her new role in the kitchen. She used to have more free time than she knew what to do with, but now she spent all her time holed up trying to figure out meal planning, budgeting, and trying to delegate all the tasks accordingly. Gloria and Red didn’t stress about this job for nothing; it wasn’t easy.

With all her added responsibility, Nicky had not even made to the yard lately. But now with a few weeks experience under her belt and minimal fiascos to report, she felt like she deserved to relax a little bit. That is, if you could call hanging out with her fellow criminals in a cement box with no roof relaxing.

She did appreciate the fresh air, though, and looked forward to the prospect of running into Lorna or Red. The door opened and Nicky hoped the B-block inmates were joining the crowd, but it was just C-block. Taystee came out, though, and made her way over to Nicky.

“How you holding up Nichols?”

“Actually better, thanks. How about you, any word on your case?”

Taystee shook her head.

“I’m sorry, man. You got a good lawyer?”  
  
“I think so. She with the ACLU, so I would hope so. Uh… you got an admirer, Nichols.”

“Huh?”

“Two o’clock.”

Nicky tried to turn subtly to see who Tayste was talking about, and once she saw her she relaxed and rolled her eyes.

“Fuckin’ Swope. Big fuckin’ surprise.”

“What does she want?”  
  
“That blondie is only interested in two things, getting high and getting off.”

“You giving her drugs?”

“No! I’m currently in the business of neither so c’mon just ignore her, don’t look at her.”

“It’s too late, she walking over here now.”

“Fuck me,” Nicky muttered.

“Girl, bye,” Taystee snickered and fled the scene.

“Nicky!”

“I’m not interested, Swope.”

“No, no, I’m not selling anything.”

“Still not interested.”

“I didn’t even say anything yet!”

“Yeah well I’m off drugs and I’m off girls at the moment too okay? Are you picking up what I’m putting down yet? Whatever it is, no thank you.”

“Ugh! I wanted to talk to you about Annalisa!”

“That’s what this is about? Look, just leave her alone all right? She’s doing real good right now and she doesn’t need you fucking shit up for her.”

“No – I mean, I know you’re helping her stay clean, I’m happy for her. I’m saying, I want in. Can you get me on your crew? Can you help me too?”

“You for real? ‘Cause if you’re just asking so you can sell shit for to the ICE girls I’ll fucking end you. No drugs in my kitchen.”

Nicky was one hundred percent serious but almost laughed at how much she reminded herself of Red in this moment. She really took this role reversal thing in earnest.

“Yeah! I mean it, I swear. Everything going down with Aleida and Daya, it’s getting scary. I want out.”

The doors to the yard opened up once more and finally some ladies in pink began to amble in.

“Okay, yeah, I’ll put in a transfer request. I gotta go, see ya.”

Nicky raced to the door as Red walked out with Frieda.

“Nicky!”

Red grasped her firmly and wrapped her in a hug.

Nicky exhaled and softened instantly in her arms, letting her stress go. Every time they saw each other was different. Red’s memory was unpredictable, and some days were better than others. Looked like today was one of those days, where Red actually remembered her and Nicky felt like she had her mother back. Red finally released her and Nicky eyed Frieda, smirking.

“Well, well, I see you two made up.”

“Were we fighting?”

Red looked confused. So Red remembered some things, but not everything. Well, this memory lapse was probably for the best.

“What were we fighting about?”

Nicky grimaced. Of course she stuck her foot in her mouth and just had to disturb the peace. Classic Nicky. Frieda shot a nasty look at Nicky before attempting to laugh it off.

“Oh you know, just a silly argument about who looks better in pink. You were right, it’s you.”

“Hmm, I suppose I was right. Pink’s just not your color, Frieda.”

“How’re you doing Ma? Everything all right down in Florida?”

“Yes, fine. It’s quiet, relatively, and they bring us pudding. So it’s all right.”

“Relatively,” Nicky repeated. “Morello staying out of trouble in there? She didn’t wanna come out again?”

Red hesitated a second too long before answering.

“She’s fine, Nicky, don’t worry. How about you, how are you holding up?”

“You’re lying, ma, I can tell.”

Red pursed her lips and said nothing.

“Frieda?” Nicky raised her eyebrows at her, daring her to try to lie.

“Ah, Red, it’s no use lying to the girl. Look, she’s not doing so hot.”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean, on a good day she’s catatonic. At least then she’s under the radar of the COs.”

Nicky’s stomach dropped.

“And on a bad day?”

“More of the same of what got her kicked out of your block in the first place. Violent outbursts, screaming at the phones when that ex-husband of hers doesn’t answer. She even tried to go after a CO when they told her no one came for her at visitation. I’m telling you, she’s lucky Psych ain’t around no more. But that’s just for now, with Hellman as warden it’ll be up and running again in no time.”

“Fuck,” Nicky whispered. “Has she had any visitors? Is anyone taking her calls?”

“Not that I can tell.”

Nicky’s heart broke for Lorna. She was supposed to be getting better in Florida, not spiraling. She needed real help. A whistle blew signaling the end of rec time.

“Ma, you gotta keep her out of trouble. Please, don’t let her go to Psych.”

“I’ll try, my dochenka. I’ll try.”

Nicky gave Red one last quick hug before they were shepherded back to their separate dorms. She hoped Red would be able to make good on her word, but it was no guarantee. Sometimes Red didn’t recognize anyone, so she was hardly in any condition to be Lorna’s caregiver. Nicky would have to find another way to help Lorna get better.

* * *

“Fucking thieves,” Nicky swore as she tore her bunk to pieces. She was screwed. She had sold Lorna’s phone thinking she wouldn’t need it, and now she couldn’t even find her own. Now that Vause wasn’t bringing in new phones all the time, people were fighting for them. Apparently someone decided to steal hers while she was out in the yard, because it was nowhere to be found.

Nicky sat on her bed, frustrated, and tried to think of a new plan. She could use the prison phone, sure, but she needed the phone number. She wanted to call Franny, but she wasn’t on her call list and the prison had no reason to give her phone number to Nicky if she wasn’t on the list. Could she get a look at Lorna’s somehow? Nicky squeezed her eyes tight and tried to picture the numbers on Lorna’s phone list. She had seen it during the riot, but that was so long ago. She would never think of it, considering she didn’t even call Franny’s number; she called Vince. Vince… maybe Vince could get her in touch with Franny.

The phones were still open until dinner. She would have just enough time if a guard was feeling kindly towards her. Luckily CO Blake was on duty and he brought her the number quickly. Nicky dialed Vince’s number on the phone, in disbelief that she was actually doing this. She half-expected him to ignore the call; after all he would hear the prison message and likely assume it was Lorna. Based on what Frieda had said, Vince hadn’t picked up her calls.

“Lorna, you’ve got to stop calling me.”

He finally answered the phone.

“Wait, don’t hang up! It’s not Lorna, it’s Nicky.”

“Nicky? Is everything okay?”

Nicky exhaled forcefully through her mouth, blowing air up into her bangs.

“If that isn’t the dumbest question I’ve ever heard. No, Vince, everything is not okay. Lorna is spiraling, right? We thought she was off the deep end before, well this is a whole new pool with deeper depths than you could imagine. You not taking her calls isn’t helping, by the way.”

“I already told you, I gotta move on.”

“Be that as it may, Lorna is really struggling. Maybe you can be there for her a little bit, at least as a friend, until she’s on the up and up. And then you can grieve by yourself and start to move on, but right now she needs you.”

“I don’t know, I don’t wanna lead her on or anything.”

“Then don’t lead her on. But at least talk to her. Something.”

“I’ll think about it. Is that all you wanted? Just to lecture me?”

“No, actually, I wanted you to talk to Franny. Could you give me her number? Or could you tell her yourself? She needs to know that Lorna’s not okay. She really needs her sister right now. Even if Lorna’s not calling her, she’s gotta visit. I think it would really help.”

“I don’t know, Franny’s not exactly happy with me right now.”

“I don’t blame her, do you?”

“No, I guess not.”

“C’mon, please. I wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t important. She needs a way to feel like herself again. Gabbing with her sister… I don’t know, it might help bring her back.”

Vince was silent for a few moments.

“Please?”

Nicky found herself begging a lot these days. It wasn’t a good color on her, but she didn’t know what else to do.

“Yeah okay, I’ll give her a call. But I can’t promise she’ll do anything.”

“Thank you. And just consider picking up when Lorna calls. You’re a good guy, so just do the right thing.”

Nicky hung up the phone and hoped the advice she gave him during the riot would work again now. She would do anything to help Lorna get back to herself.

* * *

As her last few months in prison ticked past, Nicky did her best to wrap things up with her prison life. For years her time had dragged on with no end in sight, but now that she could almost taste the finish line it almost seemed like there wasn’t _enough_ time. Prison had really warped her priorities. Nicky spent long hours on work duty in the kitchen, accruing more time coaching girls to kick their drug habits than actually cooking. She was starting to worry what would happen to them after her release. And as for her mission to help Lorna and Red, she had made little to no progress.

Nicky rarely made it to the yard, and when she did Red often couldn’t recognize her. Even if she knew Nicky’s face, she couldn’t usually share Lorna’s status. Nicky knew short-term memory was the biggest struggle of all, but she was still hopeful every time.

Between worrying about her new kitchen family, Lorna, and Red, and not having any idea what she would do with herself come her release, Nicky didn’t actually feel ready to leave Litchfield yet. Time works in funny ways, though, and her release date crept up on her. Before she knew it, she had just days left on her sentence instead of weeks, and she actually had an idea that would make her more comfortable leaving. She just needed to actually get it off the ground before she left.

The thumping bass coming from the rec room was giving Nicky a headache. She needed to talk to Luschek, but no fucking way would she show her face in his dance aerobics class. Eventually the music stopped and a steady stream of sweaty inmates departed the rec room. Nicky entered and instantly balked.

“Jesus, you maybe wanna open that window? It fuckin’ reeks in here.”

Luschek spun in his chair to face her.

“Nah, there’s actually a whole policy on what warrants opening a window in MAX. The pungent musk of vag sweat doesn’t cut it on the paperwork. Sorry sunshine.”

“Don’t call me that,” Nicky grimaced.

“If you say so. What are you doing in here anyway? You need something, I assume?”

There was no point beating around the bush. “Yeah, I need something. And before you say it, no, it does not have to do with your shit pipe. I got an idea, rec-related, you know, so it’s your job really.”

“Hmm, sounds like a lot of work.”

“I didn’t even tell you what it is yet, you lazy fuck.”

Luschek raised his eyebrows and gestured at her expectantly.

“All right. I’m thinking, the ladies in Florida got nothing to do all day, right? And we got all these bodies to feed in ICE. So, we bring back cooking class. We keep the old ladies busy, and whatever they make gets sent over to ICE.”

“I’m gonna say it again – that sounds like a lot of work.”

“C’mon, it wouldn’t be so bad. You can probably find Healy’s old proposals and just change it up a little bit. I’ll help you.”

“Why do you give a shit anyway? Aren’t you getting out soon? Like, this week?”

“You been keeping track huh? Gonna miss me, Luschek?” Nicky smirked at him but he just ignored her. “Look, it’s sort of like how Chapman had to get kickball going before she got out. I feel this need to leave something good behind me. It’s like – it’ll be my legacy or whatever. I wanna help Lorna and Red get better, and I really think cooking would be therapeutic for them and shit. It’ll give Lorna something productive to do, get her mind off the baby. And for Red, it could bring back her memory to work with food again.”

“Wow you really thought this through. Your legacy, eh?”

How sad was that, that Nicky viewed starting a rec program in prison as her legacy. But right now, this was her life. And she was leaving all her important people behind. So to her, it was her legacy.

“I guess so, yeah. Will you help me, please?”

“Ah, crap. Fine. Those old ladies never come outside to watch kickball anyway, so I guess I gotta find something for them to do either way. I’ll get it going. Cooking class…” Luschek mused. “You’re feeling helpful all around these days aren’t you Nichols.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“Please, I hear everything around here. I got wind of what you’re doing in the kitchen. My shit pipe thanks you, by the way, the more girls you get clean the less I gotta sneak in here.”

“How nice for you. All right, well, thanks I guess. See ya.”  
  
“Wait!” Luschek stopped her from leaving. “What are you gonna do when you’re out? Keep helping people like this?”

“Man I got no fucking clue. I never could hold a job for long before entering this shit-hole and now who’s gonna hire me? An ex-junkie with a record? I wouldn’t hire me.”  
  
“They’ll give you a parole officer though, they’ll help you out. Career counseling and all that.”

Nicky laughed. “Yeah well at job fair they told me I should be a CO. What kind of sick joke is that?”

“You know, with all your helpful inclinations these days it actually doesn’t sound so crazy. You’d probably be better at helping the girls in here than I am.”

“No fucking shit.”  
  
“But I guess a prison can’t hire an ex-con huh.”

Nicky rolled her eyes. “Yeah, conflict of interest, you know. Afraid I might set everyone free, that kind of thing. I’ll have to officially retire my role as prison therapist.”

“Well, you’ll figure something out. Good luck out there, Nichols.”

“Thanks,” Nicky said. Luschek actually sounded like he meant it, and so did she. They parted ways and Nicky felt acutely aware that she would strangely miss her role as prison therapist. She had taken the role seriously and she was actually pretty damn good at it. She just wasn’t sure if her girls were strong enough to stay clean once she left Litchfield behind for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long time gap between posting! I’ll do my best to get the next one up quicker. You can look forward to seeing Nicky Nichols as a free woman in chapter 4 ☺


	4. Why Oh Why Oh

“Fucking Christ Chapman, don’t you ever answer your phone? I’ve been trying you all day.”

“Nicky? Is that how you always greet people on the phone?”  
  
“No time for a lecture. Look – my good time is up. I’m getting out tomorrow. Can you pick me up?”

“Oh.”

“That’s all you gotta say? Aren’t you happy for me even a little? I know I’m not Vause but c’mon.”

“No, it’s not that, it’s… Nicky, I moved to Ohio. When Alex got transferred-”

“Okay sure, sure,” Nicky interrupted her. “Putting up with Ohio for the wifey, I get it. No further explanation needed.”

“I’m really sorry, Nicky.”

“No it’s fine, I’m happy for you. I mean, I’m totally fucked, but what else is new. It’s fine.”

Maybe if Nicky repeated, “_It’s fine,”_ to herself enough times she would believe it.

“What are you going to do? Do you have someone else you can call?”

“Chapman I’ve taken two visitors in the last couple years: Luschek and Lorna’s good-for-nothing ex-husband. I’m not gonna ask either of those two pricks to help me right now.”

“What about your parents? I know they’re not great, but it might be your only option.”

“Oh yeah, let me think. Which one should I call? Marka, who hasn’t spoken to me in years, even though I wrote her letters to apologize I don’t know how many times. Or I can call Les, because our last little reunion went just swimmingly. Yeah I’d fuckin’ love to meet his precious do-over children. Fuck.”

Nicky smacked the phone against the wall. It was a bad habit of hers.

“Okay, I’m sorry I even suggested it. Is there anything I can do? My brother is cool, you could shack up with him and Neri if you want. They have a baby, but-”

“No thanks,” Nicky cut her off again. “I’ll figure it out on my own. All right, see you around, I guess, Chapman.”

“Wait! Nicky- how are you, otherwise? How is everyone else in there? Nobody’s called me.”

Nicky laughed at her, not surprised that Chapman so quickly made that inquiry about her.

“How are we? Stupid fuckin’ question. We’re not great. We’re in fuckin’ prison, you know what it’s like here. What is there to say?”

“Nicky, I’m still trying to expose Litchfield for what that place does to people. I could really use your help, you know.”

“Are you serious right now? I gotta find some place to live. A way to make a living. I have no friends on the outside anymore, no job, no home – and you want me to help you fulfill this insane fantasy of yours of exposing the prison industrial complex? Do you even hear yourself?”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked, of course you have other things to worry about.”

“Mmhmm. Bye, Chapman.”

“Wait! If you ever decide to get out of New York you’re welcome with me in Ohio. I’ll help you however I can.”

“I can’t see myself in Ohio, but thanks anyway.”

“Good luck, Nicky. Bye.”

Funnily enough, Nicky had been daydreaming about transferring to Ohio with Vause not too long ago. And once again, it didn’t seem that unreasonable. She probably shouldn’t have made this assumption, but whenever she thought about finally leaving the Litch Nicky had imagined herself living with Piper to get herself started. Now that Piper had moved, though, Nicky needed to consider her other options. She hated to admit it, but maybe Piper was right. Calling one of her parents might be her best shot at starting fresh with a leg up. They could get her an apartment, some money to get started… but Nicky couldn’t bear the thought of dialing up either one of them. She would have to think of something else.

* * *

Nicky’s release date finally arrived and the whole thing felt surreal. She went through the motions of her daily routine, not fully accepting that this would be the last time she had to shower in a stall with no privacy or take a shit in front of her cellmate. She went to work and said her goodbyes, feeling especially motherly as she instructed each of her girls to call her for anything. She knew Flaca would do her best to look after them once she was gone, but she had her hands full helping the ICE girls out too.

The van came for her after lunch and when the guards walked her past C-block Nicky gestured wildly at Taystee. She met her at the gate despite the guards’ protests.

“I got a favor to ask you, Taystee. Can you talk to your girl Suzanne for me? Have her look after Lorna and Red? I need to know they’ll be alright.”

“Yeah, I got you. I’ll have her keep an eye out.”

“You’ve got my number, right? Please call me, let me know they’re okay.”

“You got it. Good luck out there Nichols. Don’t you come back here.”

“I wouldn’t fuckin’ dare.”

“Let’s go, Nichols. Van’s waiting.”

“Can we just swing by Florida real quick?”

“No time. You wanna get out of here or not?”

Nicky held back her tears. She hadn’t expected to be able to say goodbye to Lorna or Red but she still couldn’t believe she was actually leaving them. What if Red went to the yard looking for her and she wasn’t there? Hopefully Frieda would be able to explain it to her. That was if Red even remembered to look for Nicky in the first place, which was doubtful.

The guards shuffled her through processing and Nicky changed into her new clothes feeling strangely numb. She filled out her paperwork, mindlessly filling in Les’s address as her place of residence. When she finally walked outside with her remaining commissary money she looked at the guard expectantly.

“That’s it?”

“That’s it. Go see your parole officer on the appointment date on your paperwork and they’ll get you going. Enjoy the free world.”

“Don’t you like take me to the bus station or something? How am I supposed to get to the city?”

The guard wrinkled his forehead. “You don’t got a ride? Your paperwork last week said you were gonna call someone for a ride.”

“No, I called someone and she couldn’t come get me. I didn’t know I had to tell someone.”

“You got some cash right? Your cell phone? Can you call a cab to the bus station? I don’t got anyone to drive you right now. Short staffed today.”

“Yeah I guess that’s what I’ll have to do-“

But before Nicky could finish her sentence a car pulled into the lot, and to Nicky’s total surprise Les and Michelle came to greet her. Les went in for a hug but Nicky inched away from him.

“What are you doing here?”

The guard looked at Nicky questioningly. “You know them?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“All right, this is where I leave you then.”

He walked away and Les laughed at Nicky. “You think we haven’t been following your case? I knew you were getting out today, of course we would come get you. Not like your mother was going to.”

Nicky furrowed her brow. “Thanks for the reminder.”

“Really, Les, no need to bring her up. We should be celebrating!” Michelle smiled encouragingly at Nicky and squeezed her shoulder. Nicky just raised her eyebrows and stared at her in confusion. “I know this probably isn’t what you were expecting, Nicky. I know what you think of your father and what you must think of me based on his past, er, relationships… but, we really are a family. And I want you to be a part of it.”

“Yeah, uh,” Nicky coughed. “This is fuckin’ weird.”

“Will you come back to the city with us?” Michelle asked. “You can stay with us for a little bit, get back on your feet. Your brother and sister know all about you, they would love to meet you.”

“Right. Atticus and Sammi.”

Nicky really had no desire to spend any more time with Les, or Michelle for that matter. Nothing against her, but Michelle was a package deal with Les and Nicky wasn’t ready to forgive him. But the thought of her siblings was enough to peak her interest. Nicky had always wanted siblings growing up and she wanted to meet them, spawn of Les or not. Especially if they knew about her, she didn’t want the kids to wonder why they never met her.

“Yeah, okay. I’ll take the ride and meet the kids. But I don’t know about staying with you. I should probably just call one of my friends or something…”

“You mean one of your friends from before? Staying with any one of those junkies is just going to land you right back in here.”

Nicky made a face. “That’s a great way to talk about people.”

“Well, have any of them actually cleaned it up?”

She declined to answer. Truthfully, she didn’t even know. She hadn’t talked to any friends from her old crowd in a long time. And she wouldn’t admit this to Les, but he was probably right about them.

“Look, kid, just get in the car. We’ll take you back to the city and grab a bite at least. Where do you want to go?”

“How about a coffee? Maybe see about a cigarette?”

Nicky climbed in the car, feeling stranger by the second. Not only was she a free woman outside the walls of Litchfield MAX, she was with her father and his wife. This was not at all how she had imagined this day would go. But as she rolled the window down and let the fresh air whip across her cheek, Nicky thought that it could be a lot worse. She’d take it.

* * *

After spending five years having her every move monitored, no personal freedoms, and her daily schedule spelled out for her, Nicky actually didn’t know what to do with herself. She felt strangely lonely and found Les’s quiet, dark, empty house disconcerting. In the few days between her release and her PO meeting, Nicky had not even begun to adjust to being on the outside. She had forgotten what it was like to dress herself, choose her own food, decide when she went to bed. She was overwhelmed with the prospect of options and ended up wasting her days stressed about what to do instead of doing anything.

Les and Michelle spent long hours at work and their kids were in school. Nicky hadn’t spent this much time alone since her last stint in the SHU. She was simultaneously enjoying some alone time but also wanted to go all the places she missed. But the prospect of going anywhere other than the corner deli alarmed her. She was terrified that she would end up walking old routes to her old hangouts, run into people she didn’t particularly want to see, or worst of all seek out her dealer.

Nicky had spent so much time dreaming of starting a new life in New York City, but now that she was here she felt incredibly out of place. It was for this reason that Les and Michelle took the morning of her PO meeting off work and accompanied her. There was no legal need for their presence, but Nicky thought having their opinions heard may weigh in her favor.

“Nicky Nichols?”

Nicky snapped out of her stupor and rose from her chair in the waiting room. Les and Michelle walked with her into the parole officer’s tiny workspace.

“Wyndolyn Capers, nice to meet you.”

Nicky shook her hand as Les and Michelle introduced themselves. The office really was quite small, and the three of them crowded awkwardly around the one chair, all declining to sit.

“You really didn’t need to bring any legal representation for this, you know. We’re just going to go over the terms of your release again and fill out some job applications.”

“Oh, sorry,” Nicky said. “It’s just, uh, I don’t think I can do that.”

“Excuse me?” Wyndolyn raised her eyebrows.

“The reason I brought my lawyers is actually to request a transfer.”

“A transfer? This isn’t prison. We don’t do transfers.”

“Well then, a move request, I guess? I don’t really know how this works.”

“Do you have legal cause for leaving the city? Because unless you do, you’ll have to stay in New York at the very least. And most people are required to stay at the place of residence they left on their paperwork at the time of release.”

“Well, not exactly.”  
  
“Then I’m not sure why you have your lawyers here; I’m not sure what they can do for you. Where do you want to go? Why do you want to move?”

“Uh, I’d like to move to Ohio. It’s, uh, the why of it is, well… it’s kind of personal.”

Wyndolyn chuckled.

“Ms. Nichols, I don’t think ‘personal’ is going to cut it here. I’ve done quite a bit of research on you already and I’ve handled ex-cons from all walks of life. Whatever the reason I’m sure you won’t surprise me.”

“Okay,” Nicky frowned, unsure where to start.

“Look, I can’t imagine a better situation for you than what you’ve got here. You’re living rent-free with your father in a good neighborhood, you got some financial stability. You have to work as part of your release terms but you should have plenty of free time and be able to do what you want here.”

“That’s exactly the problem,” Nicky said. “I’ve got too much free time here and too many bad habits calling my name, you know what I’m saying? I know how it looks, like I’ve got this comfortable life with my rich daddy here to support me, but-“ Nicky glanced at him uncomfortably, “-we are not close. This is weird, all right, and I just don’t wanna get back into my old scene. And I can already tell you that’s what’s gonna happen if I stay here right now.”

Wyndolyn looked to Les for confirmation.

“She’s right, we’ve been estranged for a long time. Our only contact until a few days ago was for legal purposes, and even that was minimal. I want Nicky to be comfortable, I want to help her, but if she’s not ready to accept my help I can’t force it on her. Nicky’s mother and I – we’ve put her through rehab more times than I can recall, and every time she comes back to this city she just relapses all over again. I don’t want that to happen again.”

Nicky felt an unfamiliar gust of appreciation for her father as Wyndolyn nodded in understanding.

“Well there’s no legal cause, but I do think given your unique circumstances here I can grant an approval for you to leave the city. But as for leaving the state, I’m not so sure. Why Ohio?”

“I have a friend there, she’s offered to help me get back on my feet and I think she’d be a good influence on me.”

“Hmm. All right then. Let’s get the paperwork going. You got an address for me?”

“Uh, no, but I can text her right now.”

“While you do that I’ll fill in the other details. What’s her name?”

“Piper Chapman,” Nicky said as she sent a quick text to Piper.

“Piper Chapman?!” Wyndolyn laughed, a tinge of ridicule in her tone. “You’re telling me you think Piper Chapman would be a good influence on you? You came in her asking me to sign off on you moving out-of-state to move in with Piper Chapman? Jesus.”

“You’ve met?”

“Oh we’ve met. She was one of my parolees before she chased after that wife of hers. Let me tell you getting her off my caseload was a relief. She was a handful, broke her parole and – wait a minute, I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

“Chapman?!” Nicky asked, shocked. “You’re telling me that goody-two-shoes broke her parole. I don’t buy it.”

Wyndolyn pursed her lips, unwilling to divulge anything else.

“So what, I can’t go?”

“You really think you’re better off with her?”

“I know I am.”

“All right Ms. Nichols. Looks like you’re going to Ohio.”

* * *

“Would anyone else like to share?”

Nicky shifted in her chair hesitantly. She had been attending AA weekly ever since moving in with Piper several months ago, but she had yet to share to the group. Usually Nicky enjoyed a little spotlight at the meetings; it called her back to original oratory and it was cathartic for her to narrate her woes. But she stuck out like a sore thumb in this group. Almost all the members were middle-aged heteros that Nicky really didn’t relate to. That’s what she got for moving to an Ohio suburb.

“In the back, you look like you have something to get off your chest. No pressure, but this is a judgment free zone. I see you here every week, you’ve listened to all of us and if you’ve got something to share we’re here to listen.”

Nicky flushed uncharacteristically but rose to the podium anyway, itching to vent to someone even if it was a group of square breeders.

“Uh, hi,” she began, acutely aware of her scratchy accent. “My name is Nicky Nichols, and I’m an addict.”

“Hi, Nicky,” the crowd resounded dutifully.

“I’m, uh, I’m not from here, if you couldn’t tell. I moved here from New York a few months ago after getting out of federal prison.”

Some of the group members tittered and Nicky could feel a buzz of discomfort in the room.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said that,” Nicky coughed awkwardly.

The facilitator stepped in. “No, it’s okay. You can tell us about it.” He nodded at her to continue.

“Okay, well, I didn’t kill anyone if that’s what you’re all worried about,” Nicky laughed. “I was in for drugs, pretty much. Well, they got me on breaking and entering but really I got the five years for possession of heroin.”

Some of the group members nodded in sympathy.

“Anyway, uh, I’ll keep it quick. I moved here to get out of the city. Didn’t want to slip back to my old habit, y’know. So I’m staying with my friend, but I haven’t been able to find a job. No one around here wants a waitress or even a barista with a record, y’know, afraid I’ll steal everyone’s tips or something. So I don’t know how much longer I’ll be staying. If I don’t find a job in the next week I have to move back to New York, so I guess I just wanted to say good-bye. I know we don’t know each other or whatever, but it’s really helped me to stay clean by coming to this meeting every week. So, thanks, and, uh, good-bye, maybe.”

Nicky took a seat and the facilitator returned to the podium.

“Thanks for sharing, Nicky, and thanks for coming. It’s nice to have you. Anyone else?” Nicky’s disclosure seemed to have stunned the room to silence. “Okay then. There’s coffee and donuts in the back, we’ve got the room for another hour if you want to stay and chat. Otherwise, see you next week.”

Nicky made a break for the door but someone stopped her.

“Hey, wait up,” a woman called. Nicky turned to see a woman, maybe late 20s, who was also there every week but like Nicky declined to share with the group.

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to say thanks for sharing. That was really brave of you.”

Nicky scoffed. “It’s no big deal. I’ve dealt with worse crowds. Maybe ten years ago I was at this meditation rehab in Arizona and the people there had such large sticks up their asses, I don’t know how they got any meditating done at all.”

“Well thanks anyway. I’ve actually…” she lowered her voice. “Um, I’ve actually got a record too but I was too scared to admit it here.”

Nicky looked her up and down, smirking a little. “Oh yeah? What’d you do?”

“It’s stupid, I got caught shoplifting in college. I was drunk, of course. Why else would someone wanna steal not one but _six_ of those mini vibrators from a drug-store?”

Nicky’s interest peaked.

“Oh, I can think of a few reasons,” she said, smirking flirtatiously. The other woman laughed in response. Was this going where Nicky thought it was?

“Trust me it wasn’t worth it. They aren’t shit.”

Nicky just smiled.

“I’m Kara, by the way. Do you want to go grab a drink, maybe? Non-alcoholic of course, if you’re okay going to a bar.”

“Yeah, okay,” Nicky agreed and they left together. Nicky lit a cigarette as they walked a couple blocks to the neighborhood bar.

“Fuck, I miss smoking,” Kara complained.

“Oh, sorry. Want me to put it out?”

“No, it’s all good.”

“I’ve got no self-restraint,” Nicky admitted. “I quit on and off in prison, but only because it was unavailable sometimes, y’know? The second I get my freedom back what do I do but sell my soul to the cigarette companies. I can’t stay away.”

“You could smoke at your prison?” Kara was surprised.

“Could do a lot worse than that,” Nicky muttered. “I would have 5 years clean if Litchfield weren’t infested with anything you want. Smack always found its way back to me.”

“You doing okay now?” Kara asked, genuinely concerned. She held the door of the bar open for Nicky, who smashed what was left of her cig under her boot before entering.

“Yeah, I’m all right. I’m doing all right.”

Kara sat at the bar and held up two fingers for the bartender.

“They know you here, huh? You come here a lot?”

“Everyone knows everyone in this town,” Kara shrugged. “I may have quit drinking but I didn’t give up my social life, so yeah I guess I come here enough.”

“I didn’t mean anything by it,” Nicky worried that she had offended her.

“No, it’s okay. I know what you mean. It’s risky, coming here with my history. But I almost like the challenge of it. It’s like, if I can come here and stay sober, I can do anything.”

“I totally get it.” The bartender passed them each a drink and Nicky took a sip from the non-alcoholic beer. She coughed and immediately apologized. “Sorry. No offense, it just almost makes me miss hooch. I’ll just take a tonic.”

“Whatever you want.”

“So… what do you do when you’re not picking up girls at the local AA? That is what’s happening now, right?”

Nicky decided to ask this boldly, almost certain she had picked up Kara’s signals right but wanting to make sure. She was likely leaving town in about a week anyway, so fuck it, right?

“If you say so.” A small smirk formed at the corner of Kara’s mouth, confirming Nicky’s suspicions. “But for the record, I don’t usually ‘pick up girls’ at AA,” Kara defended herself needlessly. Nicky didn’t give a shit. “And I’m actually unemployed, crashing with my parents. Now is that a turn off or what? I’m almost thirty years old and I’ve got nothing going for me.”

“You don’t gotta defend yourself to me,” Nicky assured her. “I was just living with my asshat of a father a few months ago and I’ve got nothing going for me either.”

“Thanks,” Kara smiled and small talk for a few more minutes before she decided to cut to the chase.

“Listen, it’s getting late. You wanna get out of here or what?”

Nicky was flattered, unused to being pursued so blatantly. That was usually her game.

“Uh, sure, but… where? I’ve got a roommate and you just said you live with your parents.”

Kara only winked at her and pulled her out the back door of the bar into the alley before leaning against the brick wall and grinning at her suggestively.

“This okay for you, city girl?”

Nicky pushed Kara closer to the wall and pressed her breasts against hers greedily, kissing briefly on her neck before whispering in her ear, “It’ll do.”

They worked quickly and Nicky felt the familiar rush of excitement from having sex in the open. After so many public encounters in Litchfield, Nicky was completely unphased by the prospect of any onlookers catching a glimpse. This was surely a violation of Nicky’s parole, but it had been so long since she tasted pussy that she didn’t give a shit. Nicky got to her knees, eager for what she’d been depriving herself of since before Shani, and let herself enjoy the thrill of a one night stand with a stranger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! This was a long chapter, and now we’re about halfway through. Piper fans can look forward to more Piper in the next chapter, and reunions with some of our other favorites too ☺


	5. Fresh Hope

“You got home late.”

Nicky grumbled in response, plodding into the kitchen and heading straight for the coffee maker.

“I made some earlier but it’s probably cold by now. You’ll want to heat it back up. Here.” Piper handed Nicky the paper. Nicky pulled the crossword out and handed the rest back.

“I read it already, you can keep it.”

“Meh,” Nicky shrugged and tossed it to the side anyway.

“So what kept you out so late? I thought you were just going to AA.”

“Waiting up for me, eh Piper?”

“Not really. Just observing."

“Well I did go to AA. And then, ironically enough, I went to the bar.”

“What happened?” Piper was genuinely concerned.

“It wasn’t like that,” Nicky assured her. “Nothing happened. Well, that is to say, I didn’t drink. Maybe something else happened.”

Nicky winked and Piper squealed, always eager for gossip.

“Heyo! Good for you! About time.”

“Yeah, yeah, I knew you’d be smug.”

“I didn’t think you could even go this long without getting laid!”

“You and me both,” Nicky laughed.

“So can I set you up with someone now?” Piper was practically giddy. She had been begging to set Nicky up on a date since she moved in, but Nicky had refused.

“I don’t know.” Nicky frowned.

“Please? Or let’s at least put your Tinder profile to good use, you’ve gotta give me something. Let me live vicariously through you since my dating life has never been so stale.”

“You’re married,” Nicky said pointedly. “Isn’t the whole point of getting married to have a stale dating life for the rest of eternity?”

“Maybe if you’re not separated by bars. Speaking of which, I’m about to go visit Alex. Are you coming with me today?”

Nicky frowned again. “I probably shouldn’t. I really need to find a job. If I don’t have one by Friday my parole officer’s sending me back to New York.”

“Yeah, but it’s Saturday,” Piper said brightly. “Offices are closed.”

“You’re dreaming big. I’m not applying at offices, I was gonna poke around the retail scene today.”

“Didn’t you already try all the shops in town?”

“Yeah,” Nicky sighed. “I keep looking online too, but all the popular jobs like Uber and Shipt need me to drive. Maybe I should just learn how to drive...”

“I can teach you. Come with me to visitation! Alex would love to see you. And the rest of the family, too. You can help me interview them for my memoir.”

“No thanks.”

“Please? I could really use your help. Actually, if you do go back to New York you could help keep tabs on Litchfield for me.”

“Pass.”

“Nicky!” Piper was getting frustrated, and Nicky sensed Piper ‘Pussy Riot’ Chapman was coming out to fight. “We’re out here now! We can expose how corrupt Litchfield is; we can tell people what really happened in the riot. We have the opportunity to make a difference. Don’t you want to help them? Don’t you want Red to get her sentence reduced and for Lorna to get proper mental health services? Because that’s what this is all about.”

“Of course I want those things!” Nicky snapped. “I’m just not so naïve to think anything in there is gonna change. You posted that video of Piscatella torturing us and literally breaking Alex’s arm. If nobody cares that we were tied up by a guard, you really think they’re gonna give a shit about anything else?”

“I at least have to try,” Piper said stubbornly.

“And can you accept that I can’t try anymore? You got out, Piper, but I was still in there when shit really started to go down with Lorna and Red. You didn’t see what happened to them. I tried so hard,” Nicky’s voice broke. “And nothing I did helped. It’s a lost cause, all right?”

“Well I can’t just give up. Will you please come with me anyway?”

Nicky shook her head but didn’t answer verbally, afraid she would start to cry if she spoke.

“Please? I won’t ask you to help with my memoir again. But at least come say hi to everyone. You can watch me drive, I’ll show you how. And then we’ll get you a permit on Monday and you can practice.”

Nicky chewed the inside of her cheek and nodded hesitantly. She would accompany Piper, but not so she could learn to drive. She hadn’t been behind the wheel since her grand theft auto incident, and she wasn’t eager to get back to it. She agreed to join Piper anyway, on the condition that she would stop pestering her to help with the memoir. If nothing else, it would give Nicky an opportunity to say goodbye to the Ohio crowd. She sure as shit wasn’t going to be comfortable driving in less than a week, and she did not feel optimistic about her other job prospects. On some level, she had already accepted it. She was going back to New York.

* * *

“Les Nichols’ office,” Nicky answered the phone dutifully. On her first day a few months ago, Nicky had been put on phone duty only to be immediately taken off when she kept answering the phone with a simple, “Hey,” or, worse, “Yeah?” Phone etiquette didn’t exactly come naturally to her but she preferred taking calls to fighting with the copy machine. She swore that thing had it out for her. Nicky jotted down a message from the incoming call and brought it to her father.

“That was Sammi’s school,” Nicky told him. “She’s sick, they need you to pick her up.”

Les checked his watch and groaned. “I’m about to go into a meeting. Can you find Michelle?”

“She’s in court today.”

“Of course, of course. What about the nanny, did you call her?”

“No, she called in sick this morning. Michelle took the kids to school today, I thought she told you that you would have to pick them up.”  
  
“Hmm, she probably did,” Les muttered, clearly distracted. “Looks like it’s up to you, kid.”

“What?”  
  
“Go pick up Sammi. You can take the rest of the day off, spend it with your brother and sister. Better get Atticus while you’re at it, otherwise you’ll have to go back out and you don’t want to have to do that if Sammi’s sick.”

“Oh, I don’t think that’s a great idea…”

“Nicky, I need you to do this for me. I’ve got back-to-back meetings coming up and no one to cover me. My assistants usually wind up taking care of the kids for me every now and then.”

“I remember,” Nicky said coldly.

“Don’t start. It’s nothing like before. It’s just really not a good day for this to happen.”

“It never is, right?” Nicky sighed. “So what do I do? I got no idea how to take care of kids.”

“You’ll figure it out. Even if you’re not super comfortable with this, it’ll be good for you.”

“Forget me, I’m not sure they’ll comfortable. They don’t exactly love spending time with me.”

“Just relax. Call the driver to take you to their school, take them home, get them some food, and put on a movie. You’ll be fine.”

As Nicky rode in the back of the town car to their school, she got more and more nervous. When she first got out of prison Atticus and Sammi were both really excited to meet her, but Nicky acted more than awkward around them. She had never spent much time with kids so she didn’t know how to behave. She felt like she couldn’t be herself around them – nervous that she would curse too much or say something upsetting. So of course they didn’t love spending time with her; she walked on eggshells around them and barely talked at all. And now that Nicky had returned from Ohio, Les had her set up in her own apartment and Nicky had only seen the kids a handful of times, most recently Atticus’s fifth birthday party. Nicky had been overwhelmed by the chaos and not stayed long. She hoped today would be a little less hectic with just two of them.

When they got back to the apartment the kids stared at her expectantly, waiting for instructions. Nicky remarked to herself that they were astonishingly well behaved. She found it hard to believe they were related to her at all considering all the shenanigans she had gotten into.

“Uh, what do you guys usually do after school?”

“We always have a snack,” Sammi told her matter-of-factly. “But my tummy hurts, so I don’t want one.”  
  
“Right. Of course. So what do you do after snack?”

“Atticus still needs a snack,” Sammi pointed out.

“Sure, so, let’s go to the kitchen?” Nicky suggested.

The kids lead the way and Nicky felt incompetent. What was she supposed to do with them until Michelle got out of court? Luckily Sammi seemed to know what was what. She pulled a pack of fruit snacks from the pantry and gave it to her brother.

“After snack we go to the play room,” Sammi told her and Nicky felt so much gratitude that this sister of hers seemed okay to take charge, even if she did feel sick.

“Great, you guys can go play then,” Nicky told them.

“I don’t feel like playing. My tummy hurts, remember?”

“Okay. Do you want to lie down, then?”

Sammi nodded. “When my tummy hurts mommy lets me lay on the couch with her and watch movies. Can we do that?”  
  
“Sure, kiddo. You got it.”

Atticus finished his fruit snacks and promptly announced, “I have to go the bathroom.”

Nicky’s eyes widened and she chewed on her lips. She didn’t know what to do with that. Did he need help or something? Kids knew how to go to the bathroom alone at five, right? She had no clue.

“Uhh…” Nicky stuttered. “Do you need help?”

“No."

“He’s just telling us,” Sammi stated. “He always tells us. He’s potty trained.”

“Thank god,” Nicky muttered. “Okay kiddo, onto the bathroom you go then.”

While Atticus went to the bathroom Nicky turned on the TV for Sammi. She opened Netflix and asked her what she wanted to watch.

“Can we watch Ghostbusters?”  
  
“Ghostbusters?” Nicky asked in confusion. “That doesn’t come out for a couple months, and I don’t think it’s gonna be for kids your age.”

“No, not the new one. That one.” Sammi pointed to an entertainment center full of old tapes.

“Really? You guys still have all these movies? I used to watch Ghostbusters all the time as a kid.”

“Dad told me. He thought it was funny that we both like it.”

Nicky smiled. Maybe there was some sibling similarity happening after all.

“Atticus too?”  
  
“No, he doesn’t like it but you can bring his cars in here and he’ll just play with those.”

“All right.” Nicky got everything set up and settled on the couch with Sammi. She actually had a good time seeing _Ghostbusters_ again; it really was one of her childhood favorites, and it allowed her and Sammi to bond over a shared love of the film. Before she knew it, Michelle was back from court apologizing and thanking Nicky endlessly. But as it turned out, Nicky actually enjoyed herself and found herself hugging Sammi goodbye, promising to visit again more often.

* * *

Nicky checked Facebook compulsively. She liked to check every morning, just in case. She didn’t really think Shani was alive, but Lorna and Piper’s nagging optimism stayed with her. And every morning, she felt new disappointment when she rediscovered that Shani’s Facebook was a dead end. It hadn’t been used since she first fled Egypt years ago. Nicky put her phone down and tapped her foot anxiously, looking around for something in the waiting room to distract her until her parole officer called her in.

Her phone buzzed and Nicky jolted, grateful for something to occupy her mind but startled nonetheless. She had an incoming text from Flaca. She was grateful for their unexpected friendship; Flaca had been released recently and given Nicky the scoop on all her girls in the kitchen. She had gone a long time without hearing from anyone (supposedly the guards did a phone sweep awhile back and from then on it was dead silence on their end), so she was relieved to hear that they were all doing okay. Even after her release, Flaca never gave up trying to help immigrants. She had gotten in touch with Maritza in Colombia and her dedication made Nicky feel like maybe the world wasn’t totally full of shitheads.

_Flaca: we have to meet, NOW_

_Nicky: what’s up? i can’t meet now, it’s my PO meeting. gotta pee in a cup & whatever, u know the drill_

_Flaca: I FOUND SHANI_

Nicky dropped her phone, feeling the blood drain from her fingers in shock. Her heart thudded rapidly, unable to process the news. She must have read that text wrong.

_Flaca: nicky???!_

_Nicky: sorry i just can’t believe it. are you sure?_

_Flaca: i would never do you like that girl, its her i swear. maritza told me_

_Nicky: Maritza? but how, I thought she was still in Colombia?_

_Flaca: she finally saved up enough to get a flight to Canada, she’s at a refugee center in toronto and SHANI IS THERE_

Nicky didn’t even know how to respond. It had been well over a year since Shani was deported. If she was alive, why didn’t she let Nicky know? Why was her Facebook untouched? It didn’t make sense.

_Flaca: NICKY_

_Nicky: What?_

_Flaca: sooo do u want her number or what? _

_Nicky: of course, yeah_

Nicky received a message with shared contact info and her finger hovered above the dial button. Was this really happening? Before she could commit to pressing the call button, though, she received another text from Flaca.

_Flaca: UR WELCOME_

Nicky just rolled her eyes. She returned to Shani’s contact page and willed herself to make the call, but hesitation held her back. Surely if Shani had wanted to she would have gotten in touch. Maybe she would rather not hear from Nicky. Maybe she didn’t like her enough to want to maintain a relationship outside Litchfield. Before she could commit to a decision on contacting her or not, Wyndolyn called Nicky into her office.

Wyndolyn rambled about some new job policy but Nicky wasn’t listening. Her brain fixated on the possibility of reconnecting with Shani and left room for nothing else.

“Ms. Nichols… Ms. Nichols, do you understand?”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“You’ll have to increase your work hours as part of the new policy. Got it?”

“Uh…”

Wyndolyn passed her a pamplet and Nicky accepted it mindlessly.

“It’s all in there. Read it when your head’s screwed on straight.” Wyndolyn perused Nicky’s paperwork, concerned. “You passed your drug test today, so what’s going on with you? Hello?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” Nicky answered, not realizing that this was not an appropriate response to Wyndolyn’s question.

“Hmm. Well now that you’re a year out you can drug test monthly instead of weekly. Same place, and check in with me after. But you’re still required to attend AA weekly at a minimum. Any questions?”

“No that’s all,” Nicky uttered yet another response that didn’t quite fit, and rose to leave.

“See you in a month, Ms. Nichols.” Wyndolyn shook her head and frowned, unused to Nicky’s bizarre behavior.

“In a month…” Nicky repeated before leaving the room. “Wait! Do I have to stay in New York?”

“There she is,” Wyndolyn muttered. “Where are you planning to go now? Not back to Ohio?”

“No.” Nicky furrowed her brow, feeling a little more clear-headed. “Not Ohio.”

“You can leave the state provided you get my permission. If you keep up your work hours and provide documentation of attending AA in another location, I don’t see why not. And obviously you have to appear for your drug testing and monthly check with me.”

“Can I travel internationally? Can I go to Canada?”

Wyndolyn shook her head. “Unfortunately, no. You will not be permitted to travel out of the country until your parole is officially over next year. That’s just policy.”

“I understand.”  
  
Nicky walked to work with her hand in her coat pocket, gripping her phone tightly. She clutched it like a lifeline and lit her cigarette with one hand despite the brisk New York breeze. She almost felt like there was no point in even trying to call Shani. It’s not like she could go visit her, and if Shani tried to come back to the U.S. she would probably just get locked up by ICE again. But Nicky still wanted to know that it was really her, that she was in fact alive after all. She made up her mind that she would at the very least send her a text. She sucked her cigarette between her teeth and pulled off one glove to type a quick message.

_Nicky: Hey, Shani? It’s Nicky. Are you okay?_

Nicky loitered outside the office building for a few minutes, both wanting to finish her cigarette and also hoping for a timely response from Shani. Nicky smoked the butt to its last ashes, resorting to returning to work. But as she climbed the stairs, hope rose anew in her chest at the feel of the warm buzz of her phone.

* * *

Nicky groaned at the sight of her latest incoming Snapchat, a photo with a view down Shani’s shirt captioned _‘send me one xo’. _

Now was not the time. She was attending a benefit for one of Les’s clients on his behalf, and could not get all hot and bothered in front of all his professional contacts. Nicky ignored her but the phone kept buzzing. Shani was texting her now.

_Shani: Nicky? Why didn’t you answer me? Are you with another girl right now?_

_Nicky: No! I’m at a work thing. I can’t talk right now, I’ll call you later._

Nicky smiled lightly at the idea that Shani was getting a little jealous. She knew that was petty of her, but it made her feel wanted nonetheless. They had agreed to keep their relationship casual and open, but in the last six months Nicky hadn’t seen anyone else. She missed pussy fiercely, but with just six more months to go until her parole was up she had privately committed to wait it out. She didn’t know if Shani was doing the same, but based on the envious tone of that last message Nicky assumed she hadn’t been doing much dating either.

A fleet of Snapchats barraged her phone and Nicky opened them subtly under the table.

“Fuck me,” Nicky muttered when she saw the x-rated messages. Shani captioned the most recent one ‘_send me one or i won’t stop_.’ Nicky excused herself to the bathroom, checked that no one else was inside, and made a call.

“I can’t do this here! I’m at this fancy dinner for work. Usually I am all in for sexting in public but you have to stop!”

“Oh I’m not letting you go now that I have you on the line,” Shani laughed. “I want you to touch yourself. I need to hear you come.”

Nicky flushed and wetness soaked her panties.

“Please? I’m so bored.”

“It’s really not a good time, baby. I’m in the bathroom, someone who works with my dad could walk in literally any moment.”

“Even better. Mm, I’m touching my nipples. They’re hard.”

Nicky let out a little whine and tried to mask it with a cough. “I’ll be home in a few hours. I can call you then and we can do whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?”

“Whatever you want,” Nicky repeated, her voice dropping an octave.

“Don’t tease me, Nicky,” Shani scolded. Nicky knew what she was referring to. Throughout their long distance relationship, they had been talking and sexting plenty. But Shani had yet to talk Nicky into videochatting during sex. Nicky maintained that she was too shy but Shani kept asking.

“I mean it.”

“You promise? Don’t make promises you won’t keep.”

“I promise.”

“Tell me. Tell me what we’re going to do.”

“For Christ’s sake, you know what I mean! I can’t say it here, what if someone walks in?”

“If you don’t say it out loud I’ll just keep sending you photos.”

Nicky’s eyes darted around the empty bathroom and she caved. “Fine. We can have cybersex when I get home, okay?”

“You’ll videochat me?”

“Yes!”

“Naked?”  
  
“Yes,” Nicky hissed. “Now I have to-”

“And you’ll touch yourself for me? I can see your face when you come?”

“Holy fuck Shani, you’re killing me here. I have to sit through two more hours of boring speeches and make small talk with people, do you know how uncomfortable that’s going to be for me?”

“No, tell me. Are you wet?”

Nicky huffed. “Of course I’m fucking wet, do you hear yourself?”

The door to the bathroom started to open and Nicky hoped beyond hope that whoever it was didn’t hear her last exclamation.

“Motherfuck, I really gotta go.”

“How wet are you?”

“Goodbye.”

Nicky hung up the phone and tried to compose herself, smiling at her colleague who had entered the bathroom. She hustled back to the banquet hall and rolled her eyes when she felt her phone buzzing again. Shani captioned the photo, _‘last one, see you soon ;)’ _and Nicky let out a noisy exhale in a combination of arousal and relief. She sat at her table and tried to focus her attention on the speaker before her. It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shani’s ALIVE! Don’t worry Lorna fans, the nichorello journey is not over! How do you guys feel about Shani being alive? When I watched season 7 I immediately interpreted that Shani would die, no question. Discussions on Tumblr pulled me out of my eternally pessimistic view (classic depressive) and led me to hope Shani could make it out alive. What did everyone else think? Also, as a heads up, I probably won’t be able to update this until after the new year. Happy Holidays everyone!


	6. The Funeral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it’s been a minute since I updated so here’s a long one for you!   
Also, sorry in advance :|

“An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you. To accept this call, please press one.”

Nicky almost dropped her phone in her scramble to press one. Ever since Flaca’s release around a year ago, she had not heard much from Litchfield. Taystee called a couple times but otherwise it was crickets. Nicky asked her each time to try to get her on Lorna and Red’s visitation lists but Taystee had no success; Nicky expected she had little reason to interact with inmates in Florida.

“Yes, yes, hello? Taystee?”

“No, dochenka.”

Nicky’s heart soared. _Red_.

“Nicky, are you there?”

Nicky’s eyes leaked tears. This was the first time she’d heard from Red since leaving Litchfield nearly two years ago, and she struggled to find her voice.

“Yes. Ma, I’m so glad you called. You have no idea.”

“I miss you too.”

“Why don’t you call more often?” Nicky knew the question was unfair, but she asked anyway.

“I’m not sure…” Red sounded suddenly confused. “Don’t I?”

“No – I, it doesn’t matter. Never mind. The point is you’re calling now. Are you doing okay in there?”  
  
“Yes, fine. It’s fine. I was just thinking about you, because… well, I don’t remember why…”

“Don’t worry about it. Are you going to cooking class? Are they still doing that?”

“Cooking class, yes, but isn’t that after your time? How do you know about cooking class?”

Nicky smiled to herself.

“I have my ways.”  
  
“You sound like me,” Red laughed at her.

“Yeah, well, I might have asked a little birdie or two to keep tabs on you once I got out.”

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or insulted!”

“Flattered, Ma, definitely flattered. Look, you sound good.”

“Well, I feel good. At least today, today I feel good.”

“And Lorna?”

Red didn’t speak for a moment and Nicky’s heart sank. She already knew she wouldn’t like what she was about to hear.

“Ma?”

“Yes, Lorna. About Lorna. Actually,” Red seemed to realize something, “this is why I needed to call you. Someone had to tell you.”

“Tell me what?” Nicky was starting to seriously worry.

“Well the truth is, I don’t know how she’s doing. No one knows, really. She had really been struggling, more of the same as when you were still here.”   
  
This Nicky already knew from what Flaca and Taystee were able to share with her.

“And?”

“One day was worse than the others. She got violent, more so than usual, and this time with a guard. He told her that her phone time was up, that she had to stop trying to call her ex-husband – this was where he really went wrong, I think, using the word ‘ex’ – and she went after him. He took her to ad-seg and she hasn’t been back. From what I hear she’s not in ad-seg anymore either, no one knows where she is. They must have transferred her, but the guards, they don’t tell us anything.”

Nicky didn’t know what to say. In all honesty, she wasn’t all that surprised.

“I hate to tell you this, Nicky. I wish I had better news.”

“Thanks for telling me, Ma. I appreciate it.”

“Of course. Now, Lorna’s news aside, how are you doing otherwise? Are you holding up, staying clean?”

“Yeah, believe it or not, I actually am. I’m doing okay.”

“Where are you living? What are you doing for work?”

“Well right now I live in the city. Believe it or not my father has been looking out for me since I got out, pays for my apartment and got me a job at his office.”

“Wow,” Red was surprised.

“Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. It’s definitely not what I was expecting. But he’s got two young kids now, they make a nice little family, and I think he feels bad about being absent with me. I think he’s trying to make up for all the shit he and Marka put me through all those years.”

“And you’re really staying away from the drugs?”  
  
“I really am. I thought it would be hard, living in the city again, so close to all my old haunts. But I don’t know, I don’t know… I’ve been sticking with the program, and it’s been working for me. I never would have made it without you, though. I only made it this far because of you.”

“I didn’t do a thing. You did it yourself. I just stood by to pick you up if you fell.”  
  
“And fall I did…” Nicky mused. Red coughed, and pulled Nicky from her wandering train of thought.

“Nicky, my phone time is almost up. I’m so happy for you, you sound good.”

“Wait, listen, Red. My parole is up in a week, and then I’m moving. I’m leaving New York and I don’t know how often I’ll be back. Can I see you before I go?”

“Leaving New York? Where are you going?”  
  
“It’s a long story,” Nicky laughed. “But I’ll tell you all about it when I see you. I can visit you, right?”

“Of course, of course, visit me any time.”

“No, Red, you have to put me on your list. Listen to me, as soon as you hang up the phone, go find a CO and tell them to add me, okay? Don’t forget.”

“I won’t forget!” Red huffed.

“Promise?”

“Promise. I have to go.”  
  
“I’ll come see you on Saturday. Okay? I love you.”

“I love you too, dochenka.”

Nicky hung up her phone and clutched it to her chest. She couldn’t believe it. All this time, she had expected Red’s memory would just be getting worse and worse. The last time she talked to Taystee, at least, she had heard of no improvements. But just now, that was the old Red on the line. And Nicky couldn’t have been more grateful.

* * *

An alarm went off on Nicky’s phone and she hit snooze for the third time. She rolled away from Shani and tried to get out of bed but Shani tugged at her arm.

“As much as I would love to spend the day in bed with you, I have to get ready to go.” Nicky had been at Shani’s place in Canada for around a month, but she was flying back to New York in a few hours.

“Nicky… you can’t leave. I am so spoiled now, what am I going to do without you to touch me every day?”

Nicky slipped her hand under the covers and found her way to Shani’s newly reconstructed clit and gave it a playful flick.

“All right, I really gotta pack.”

“Don’t tease me like that!” Shani squirmed and Nicky rubbed her almost mindlessly, procrastinating her packing a little longer in spite of herself.

“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this over the phone. All that phone sex when you made me touch myself, and you could have been doing the same. I mean, if I were you, all I would have done was just constantly play with myself.”

“Like you don’t anyway.”  
  
“Touché.”

“And–mm, that feels good- who says I wasn’t?”

Nicky gasped and stopped moving her hand, making Shani whine in protest. “You said so! And if you were keeping those moments from me that would have been so unfair. You know how uncomfortable I was with it at first.” Nicky smirked now. “I spent all that time feeling myself up, just for you.”

“Yeah right, like that was just for me. And no, I’m only kidding. It took a long time to heal, actually, and then you were going to arrive soon so I just… waited for you.”

Shani blinked up at Nicky with innocent eyes and took Nicky’s fingers, sucking them into her mouth before moving them back to her core. Nicky groaned at the sight and at the feel of her heat, tempted to give in, but the sudden buzz of her alarm interrupted them.  
  
“Unf…” She checked the time. “I’m gonna miss my flight if I don’t get going soon! Let me make you a deal,” Nicky reasoned.

“I’m listening.”

“Let me pack and get ready, and then if I have time I’ll get you off real quick, how’s that?”

“How romantic,” Shani deadpanned. “But you have a deal.”

Nicky started gathering her belongings and getting herself dressed.

“Will you stop that?” Nicky gestured at Shani, who had flung the bed sheets off her body and was massaging herself in plain view. “It’s distracting me. Cut it out, or no deal.”

“No way. That wasn’t in our terms.”

“Regardless, the more you distract me, the longer I’ll take to get ready and then I won’t have time to fuck you properly before my flight.”

Shani pouted but covered herself up with the sheets again. “Fine. I still do not understand why you have to go in the first place. You just got here a month ago.”

“I know, I know, I wish I didn’t have to. But I promised the kids I would be home for Hanukkah. Well, I’m not sure Atticus will care either way, but I would hate to disappoint Sammi. We really bonded.”

“I’m so happy for you. I never had a sister or a brother. And my cousin… well, he’s the one who told my dad about me kissing a girl. We were not exactly close.” Nicky’s heart broke for her, knowing all too well what it was like to feel distant from family. She lived that way for a long time before Les decided to re-enter her life. “Anyway. What will you do in New York, other than spend Hanukkah with your family?”

“I don’t know.” Nicky frowned as she folded her clothes. “I haven’t really thought about it too much. What I would really like to do is go see Red, but I don’t know if I’ll have time to drive up to Litchfield. And after the last visit, I’m not sure if it would even be worth it.”

“I’m sorry, Nicky. Was it that bad?”

“She didn’t want to come to visitation in the first place, insistent that she wasn’t expecting visitors. But we had just talked about it a couple days before on the phone. And then when the COs talked her into showing up, she didn’t recognize me. She was _fine_ when we talked, I swear. I don’t get it.”

“That’s how this disease goes. Dementia affects the memory differently over time, and then some days will seem completely normal. It is unpredictable this way.”

“I guess I knew that in theory but I never really understood it because I never had to watch someone go through it before. I don’t know if I can stomach seeing her like that again. But I guess if I have time maybe I will go see Piper and Alex, they just moved back to the city since Alex got released.”

“That would be nice.”

“Yeah, but I’m really only going for the weekend. You’re the one who’s acting like I’ll be gone for an eternity.”

“It will feel like one to me.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Nicky joked, but inside she felt truly flattered at how much Shani was taken with her. “Okay. I think I’m all packed. You still hot, baby?”

“As ever.” Shani pulled Nicky into the bed eagerly.

“Good, ‘cause I don’t have time for breakfast, but I sure am hungry.”  
  
“That’s so bad,” Shani snickered at her but bucked her hips anyway when Nicky dove under the covers.

“You love it,” Nicky husked. “Now shut it and let me eat you up.”

* * *

Historically, Valentine’s Day at Litchfield Penitentiary was always a contender for the most depressing day of the year. Loved ones either could not celebrate at all or were separated by glass, and the inmates were all around miserable. If that wasn’t bad enough, the untimely death of an inmate with the funeral scheduled right on Valentine’s Day made this year the worst one yet.

As the officers lowered Red’s body into the ground of the prison cemetery, Nicky couldn’t help but feel responsible. She knew it was irrational of her, but she still felt the weight of bearing witness to Red’s disease and her inability to do anything about it. The prison chaplain began to make a speech about celebrating Red’s life and her guilt quickly transformed into anger. What was there to celebrate? The last years – decades, even, - of Red’s life were spent in this godforsaken place. Prison ripped her of her freedom, her grandchildren, her pride – and as its final blow, it robbed her of her mind. It was the prison that kept her in the SHU for so long and exacerbated her dementia in the first place. In this horrible game of life, prison issued a checkmate that neither Red nor her loved ones could best.

So no, Nicky did not really feel like celebrating her life right now. Unable to listen anymore, she shuffled through the snow until she stood a short distance from the crowd and lit a cigarette. The utter dreariness of the situation hit her even harder as she watched the prison funeral from afar. A small group of friends and family gathered for the ceremony on one side of the fence, and a sea of inmates paid their respects from the other side. Nicky didn’t understand how the Russian mob could let someone take a prison sentence for their crimes but not even spring for a proper funeral.

The all around unfairness of the situation overwhelmed her, and Nicky decided she’d had enough. She walked back to the ceremony, pulled Piper aside for the keys, and made her way back to the car. She heard the crunch of snow behind her, Alex following close behind, and Nicky held the car door open for Alex to join her. Nicky turned on the car, blasting the heat and cracking a window to let out the smoke.

“Piper’s gonna kill you for smoking in her car.”

“Let her fuckin’ try,” Nicky muttered. “What’s she still doing over there anyway? That chaplain doesn’t know shit about Red or her life.”

Alex shrugged. “That’s Piper. She’s a WASP, grieving formally is the only way she knows how.”

“Well I can’t listen to that bullshit.”

“Hey, I get it.”

Nicky stared out the window at who she assumed to be Red’s husband, sons, and grandchildren. Her heart broke for them too, as they had spent even less time with Red than Nicky did in the last decade.

“You wanna talk about it?”  
  
Nicky flicked her cigarette butt out the window and lit up another one. “Not even a little bit.”

“Yeah, I didn’t either. Piper, though. Piper’s gonna want to talk about it.”

Nicky remembered that Alex too had lost a mother, and even though they weren’t talking about it, knowing that Alex had been through this kind of grief before gave Nicky some comfort. The pair sat in mournful silence until the chaplain appeared to dismiss everyone. Most of the visitors journeyed back to their vehicles, but Piper was still near the fence.

“The fuck is she doing?”

“I don’t know, but you can stay here. I’ll go get her,” Alex said.

“It’s fine, I’ll come with you.”

They met Piper talking through the fence to a couple stragglers from the funeral.

“Taystee. How’s your appeal?” Nicky asked.

“I don’t know, the same. No end in sight. Never mind that, it’s good to see you, girl. Not under these circumstances, but, you know.”

“Yeah I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

“You have to talk about it, it’s not healthy to bottle up,“ Piper lectured her sternly and Alex gave Nicky a knowing look. “I used to keep everything in and then I learned how bad it is for you to do that.”

“Well good thing this isn’t about you, then. Look Piper, you ready to get out of here? I can’t stomach this place much longer. Sorry, Taystee, no offense.”

“None taken. But listen – I gotta tell you something. I didn’t know how to tell you on the phone, when the news about Red seemed like more than enough to deal with-”

“What is it?”

Taystee took a deep breath and held Nicky’s eye. “It’s Lorna.”  
  
“What? Is she back? Do you know where she is?”

“No, she’s not back. I don’t know where she is, really, but I guess I know where she isn’t. She ain’t coming back to Litchfield. She ain’t in prison at all.”

Nicky couldn’t believe it. She was speechless.

“She’s _out_?” Piper was shocked too.

“Was her sentence up?” Alex asked. “I know the original one was, but I thought she got a lot more time with all the trouble she was causing.”

“She did have more time,” Taystee told them. “But after that last incident when she went to ad-seg, I guess they decided she needed to be in a psychiatric unit. Only we didn’t have one no more, so they released her and turned her over to a hospital. But that’s all I know, I just overheard the guards talking and trust they won’t tell us nothing if we ask.”

“I can’t believe she’s out,” Nicky murmured. “Do you think she’s still in the hospital? It’s been months, right?”

“Yeah, at least three. Would they keep her that long?”

“It depends,” Nicky frowned. “I’ve been in psych units longer than that, but that’s for drugs, I don’t really know how it works for other situations…”

The correctional officers interrupted her train of thought, whistling loudly and gathering the stragglers.

“I wish I knew more. I’ll keep an ear out, okay?”

“Thanks, Taystee.”

Nicky let Piper and Alex lead the way back to the parking lot. She paused at Red’s grave, wanting to say goodbye. All day she had remained stoic, cried out from the days leading up to the funeral, but seeing Red’s name and her day of death on the marker was like a punch to the stomach. She dropped to her knees and wept openly, no matter that there were still people around or that she was now sinking in the snow. Nicky took a few moments to just let herself cry for the woman who took care of her when she was at her lowest. When she was finally cried out, Nicky kissed her hand and pressed it to the grave marker. She rose and walked briskly to Piper’s car, avoiding eye contact with anyone lingering. She knew it was a funeral, and this kind of thing happened, but she was still embarrassed.

Thankfully, Piper and Alex didn’t make her talk about it on the ride back to the city. Piper drove in silence until they were getting close to her apartment.

“Do you want to come out for a drink with us? Non-alcoholic, for you. “

“No, I can’t. You guys go, celebrate Valentine’s day. I think I better, uh, I better go to a meeting.”

“You gonna be okay?” Alex looked concerned.

“I dunno. I dunno, but I do know that a meeting’s my best bet at not doing something really fuckin’ stupid right now.”

“Call us if you need to, okay?”

“I will. See you in the morning. Piper you can still drive me to the airport right?”

“Wait,” Piper said. “What are you going to do about Lorna? Won’t you look for her tomorrow?”

“No way, I definitely can’t look tomorrow, I fly back to Canada first thing.”

“Reschedule it. You can stay with us a little longer.”

“I don’t think so, I only packed for a day trip. Besides, Shani is already upset enough with me that I’m missing Valentine’s Day.”

“She’ll understand, don’t you want to know where Lorna-“

“That’s enough! I can’t think about that right now.”

“Just let it go, Piper,” Alex told her. “Let her deal with this in her own way.”

Piper bit her lip and looked apologetic. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t interfere. We’ll see you in the morning.”

They left for the bar and Nicky went the opposite direction, heading for the site of a nearby AA meeting. In spite of everything, Nicky felt a little proud of herself that she hadn’t used yet. It almost made her feel like she was actually on the other side of her addiction. If she could go through all of this and stay clean, maybe she would finally be in the clear for good.

* * *

When Nicky got back to Canada, Shani pulled out all the stops. She made Nicky dinner, including tater tots, and had candles all over the apartment. When Shani pulled out a card and gift, Nicky felt incredibly guilty.

“I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t get you anything. I’ve been so-”

“Don’t worry,” Shani interrupted her. “Please, no apologies. You don’t have to say a thing. You’re going through so much. I don’t need anything anyway. I’m just glad you’re here.”

Nicky gave her a half-smile, incredibly grateful to her for understanding.

“Now, I totally understand if you’re not in the mood, but if you’re up for it… I would love to take you to bed.”

“And people say I have a one-track mind,” Nicky almost laughed.

“But this time it’s not for me! I just want to make you feel good.”

Shani grabbed her hand and Nicky stood compliantly. Shani pulled her to the bedroom.

“You don’t have to worry about a thing tonight, okay? Just lie down, relax, and let me take care of you.”

Nicky kissed Shani’s lips and melted into her touch, welcoming the distraction. She actually really needed this. Whereas she used to use drugs to numb her pain, sex was certainly a healthier coping mechanism. Not ideal, certainly, but better than the alternative. Nicky closed her eyes, laid back, and let herself forget her grief long enough for Shani to drown her in pleasure.

After Shani fell asleep, Nicky sat smoking by the window and came back to reality. She tried to think of a plan for what to do about Lorna. She didn’t want to leave Shani again so quickly, but she had to find out where Lorna was. She had to know if she was okay. Shani woke up and groaned.

“Close the window, you’re letting all the heat out. Would you come back to bed? It’s too cold in here without you.”

“I don’t wanna smoke in your bed, you’ll get all my second-hand toxins.”

“I don’t care.” Shani patted the space next to her. “Come over here.”

Nicky obeyed and Shani snuggled up to her.

“Listen, I have to talk to you about something. Do you remember my friend Lorna? She worked the ICE kitchen with us?”

“Your girlfriend? Of course I remember her.”

“Okay stop, she wasn’t my girlfriend. But, she’s going through some shit and I have to go back to New York. I’ll probably have to stay for awhile this time. Weeks, maybe months. Will you come with me?”

“Nicky, I can’t go with you. If I try to cross the border immigration will see that I was there before and they will stop me. And if I go illegally and get caught they will just put me back in the detention center, or send me back to Egypt. I can’t go back there.”

“I don’t want to leave you again – I just got back,” Nicky said sadly.

“Then don’t. Stay here, with me.”

“I wish I could, but listen – the prison sent her to a psych hospital and I have to make sure she’s okay. I don’t know how to get a hold of her, or I would stay.”

“I know you love her, Nicky, but there’s nothing you can do for her. She’s in the hands of the professionals now, it’s better than prison, really.”

“No, you don’t understand. I’ve been in these places before, and the doctors, the therapists, the social workers, everyone – it’s not like what you think it is. Most of the people there, they don’t care about the patients. It’s just a job to them. And they don’t know Lorna like I do, they can’t help her like I can.”

“Even if that’s true, you don’t owe her anything. She made her choices, she got married and you have to move on.”

“Don’t make it about that, Shani.” Nicky was getting upset now. “It’s not – I’m not – I have moved on, all right? But she’s my friend. I still care about her and I want to be there for her.”

“And you don’t want to be here for me?”

“Of course I do. It’s not like we’re breaking up here, okay? We’ll do long distance. We’ve done it before, we can make it work.” Nicky clasped Shani’s hands and looked at her seriously. “I care for you, so much.”

“Even so, you’re still in love with Lorna. The fact that you’re going back there for her proves that you do.”

“Shani, I’m really not. I love _you_.”

It was the first time Nicky said it out loud.

“I want to believe you.”

“Please, I mean it. I love you so much.”

Shani smiled lightly but didn’t say anything.

“You’re not gonna say it back?”

“Oh, Nicky. I think you already know that I love you, too.”

Nicky did know. And after saying these things out loud to each other for the first time, knowing for sure how seriously the other felt, she should have felt elated. So why did she feel like total shit?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said the worst was over? Yeah I was definitely lying to myself. Even though I had a pretty detailed outline of this fic before I started fleshing out each chapter, I guess my brain was just pretending that Red’s death wasn’t going to happen. I’m sorry!! ☹ There are just two more chapters left to this story! I hope everyone had a happy new year & I will be updating quicker next time for sure ☺


	7. Recovery

A buzzing noise in Nicky’s brain drowned out the din of New York City traffic as she stood on the sidewalk and glared up at the hospital. If she didn’t go in soon she was going to get trampled. People hustling past kept bumping into her, but she couldn’t bring herself to go through the front doors. The last time she was at this hospital hadn’t been remotely pleasant and she was less than eager to return to the very ward in which she had spent so much time detoxing. She allowed herself one final cigarette and finally mustered the courage to enter.

Nicky strode to the check-in counter and said, “Yeah, I’m headed up to psych.”

“Name?”

“Nicky Nichols.”

The receptionist searched on his computer, looking confused. “Ms. Nichols, yes. I’ve got your file here but we’re not expecting you today. Did your doctor or therapist send your referral paperwork?”

He thought she was there as a patient. _Asshole_, Nicky thought at first instinct, but quickly reconsidered that his judgment wasn’t totally unfounded.

“No, you misunderstand. I’m not here for me, I’m here as a visitor.”

“Okay. Just so you’re aware, today’s visiting hours are coming to a close very soon.”

“Well you better check me in real quick then, huh buddy?” Nicky rapped her knuckles on the desk impatiently.

“Who are you here to see?”

“Lorna Morello.”

The receptionist sighed and typed in her name. “You’re not on the list.”

Nicky had expected as much but she figured she had to try.

“Well if you would just let me up I’m sure she’ll put me on her list, yeah?”

“I would have to call that department and get her permission. Then they can put you in the system. That’s the procedure.”

“Fine.” Nicky waited expectantly. The receptionist looked as if he had expected her to just give up and turn around but Nicky wasn’t going anywhere. Whatever she had to do to see Lorna. “So, do your procedure…”

“What was the name again?” the receptionist asked.

“Nicky Nichols.”

“Not yours, the patient.”

Frustration caused Nicky to respond rather loudly and with a little too much punch. “_Mor-ell-o.”_

A woman walking through the lobby stopped in her tracks and turned her head in Nicky’s direction, a bewildered look painted on her face.

“Yes?”

Nicky’s jaw dropped. She recognized her instantly, having seen her through the Litchfield visitation window enough times.

“Franny.”

“Sorry, do we know each other?”

Nicky held one finger up to the receptionist and walked over to Franny.

“Yes and no. I’m Nicky. Lorna’s Nicky, from prison?” _Lorna’s Nicky?_ She could have kicked herself for saying it that way.

“Of course, of course. You came to see Lorna? That’s so sweet, but you really shouldn’t have-“

“How is she?” Nicky interrupted.

“Well like I was saying, you really shouldn’t have come. She’s in no condition for visitors.”

“How do you mean? Like she’s catatonic?” Nicky’s heart sank.

“I guess? She hasn’t spoken to anyone since she got here; she rarely leaves her bed. I don’t know if she’d even realize you were up there to be honest with you.”

“I’d like to judge that for myself. I’d think she would know if I was in the room.”

“Ms. Nichols?” the receptionist called them back to his desk. “I’ve reached the unit but they said Ms. Morello is unavailable to permit visitors at this time.”

“Well no shit if she’s not talking,” Nicky muttered. “Can her sister give permission for her?”

“Yes, if that’s alright with her they can put you on the list.”

“Be my guest,” Franny said. “I’ll come with you.”

When they got to Lorna’s room, Nicky’s heart sank even lower at the sight before her. Lorna sat in bed, an untouched meal on her bedside table. She was propped up to face towards the TV, but her eyes didn’t meet the screen and the vacant expression on her face revealed that she wasn’t watching at all. Lorna’s head didn’t turn at the sound of her name or when Nicky sat next to her in the bed. Tears streamed down Nicky’s face as she took Lorna in her arms and held her.

“I’m sorry you gotta see her like this. I know you two were real close.”

Did she know how close? Nicky had to wonder.

“She’s been like this for months?” Nicky remarked sadly. “This shit hospital needs to get it together and get her better soon.”

“Nicky, I hate to say this,” Franny hesitated. “I’ve put in her discharge paperwork. She’s not going to get better.”

Nicky rose in anger. “Like hell she’s not!”

“Look, please sit, just listen. I don’t know how much Lorna’s told you about our mother.”

Nicky shrugged her shoulders. “Not much.”

“Well she’s a lot like… this,” Franny gestured at Lorna. “She’s been this way for a long time and she never snapped out of it. That makes me think Lorna’s not gonna get better. I mean for Ma, some days are better or worse than others, but she shows the same general condition.”

“Depression,” Nicky stated plainly.

“Depression?” Franny asked, confused. “I don’t know about depression. We never really knew what exactly was wrong with Ma, we don’t exactly have a lot of money to be going to see doctors or nothing. We just took care of her at home, and that’s what I wanna do with Lorna too. I don’t think it’s depression, I thought depression was when someone cries all the time and slits their wrists and tries to kill themselves.”

“Depression can present in a lot of ways,” Nicky sighed and tried to explain it to her patiently. She knew most people were not very well educated about depression. “What you see here is Lorna’s loss of will to live physically manifested. Severe depression can cause all kinds of things, catatonic behavior like this – not getting out of bed or interacting with people, is what I mean when I say catatonic. Couple that with Lorna’s proclivity for delusions, which she very well may have inherited from her mother, and it’s no wonder she’s like this right now.”

“You know about that? She told you everything, about Christopher and all that?”

“She did,” Nicky nodded. “And for awhile she was on some medication that was really helping her. We need to get her back on it, and whatever anti-depressants they’ve had her on so far needs to get switched up because it’s not working.”

“You sure know a lot about this.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve had my share of experience in the area,” Nicky muttered.

“I don’t even know if she’s on any anti-depressants,” Franny admitted. “When the doctor asked what I thought was going on I didn’t really know what to say. I didn’t think she was depressed, I just thought she was crazy.”

“Crazy’s not a diagnosis,” Nicky said pointedly. “I’m not saying that’s on you. I’m just saying her doctor should probably be able to figure out that she’s depressed. Post-partum depression is very common. She recently had a baby.”

“That was like three years ago,” Franny frowned.

“She doesn’t realize that. And not only did she have a baby, she had a baby that didn’t make it. This all started way back then, and especially after Sterling died that probably just made it so much worse.”

“I guess that makes sense. Well look, I can tell you care about her, so let me get your number and I’ll call you when she’s home. You can visit her at our place if you want.”

“Franny listen to me,” Nicky begged. “I’m sorry that you haven’t been able to get your mom any help, but this is treatable, okay? You can’t have her discharged, you can’t just give up on her. I won’t give up on her.”

“If it’s treatable then why isn’t she better? It’s been a long time, and she’s the same.”

“I’ve seen people turn around before, you gotta believe me. Sometimes it can take awhile for a medication to take effect, and then sometimes even longer to make sure she’s on the right one in the first place. And it’s not just about the drug, she’s going to need therapy. I hate to say this, because believe me I really fucking hate it here, but when she’s on the right meds and set up with a therapist who actually gives a damn, they can really help her here. But it’s gonna take time.”

“I can’t afford it, Nicky. I’m already in so much debt, I can’t believe the prison even sent her here in the first place.”

“I’ll pay,” Nicky said immediately. She probably couldn’t actually afford it but it was worth asking Les for more money if Lorna could get proper care. “Have them bill it to me and I’ll pay what I can and get the rest on a payment plan. I’ll figure it out.”

“Why would you do that?” Franny was astounded. “I know you were friends in prison but that’s not exactly a standard thing to do for someone who’s not your family.”

Nicky chose not to answer that directly, or think about it too closely, instead squeezing Lorna’s hand as tightly as she could.

“She’s still in there, I know it.” Lorna’s head turned slightly and Nicky felt a slight return squeeze. “She’s still in there.”

* * *

To Franny’s surprise, Nicky was right. She didn’t spend all of that time in the psych ward for nothing. She knew her shit and she was completely right about Lorna. After talking to Lorna’s psychiatrist and sharing what Nicky knew about Lorna’s psychiatric history in prison, they were able to switch her medication and get her on something that was actually showing results. It was slow going for the medicine to kick in, but before long Lorna was returning to her spunky self. She hated being in the psych ward, complaining that they watched her every move, controlled her daily schedule, and that the food was horrible. (“Almost as bad as prison, eh?” Nicky would joke with her.)

At first Lorna hadn’t wanted to go to any of the group therapies, insisting that she didn’t need to go. Nicky talked her into it, explaining that it wasn’t all junkies and that she would meet people going through the same things as her. That it would help her feel less alone to be with other women who experienced the same symptoms of delusions, had post-partum depression, had been through divorce, or had possibly also experienced child loss.

Sterling was a topic Nicky avoided during the beginning of Lorna’s recovery. She worried that Lorna would continue to deny his death like she did at Litchfield, but she had surprised her.

“He’s really gone, isn’t he?” Lorna said one day while staring out her hospital room window.

“Who’s that, baby?” Nicky asked tentatively.

“Sterling,” Lorna said solemnly. “And Vinny, too, I suppose. They’re both gone now, aren’t they?”

Nicky sat next to her by the window and draped an arm over her shoulder and stroked her hair with the other. “Yeah. They really are. I’m so sorry, Lorna.”

“I knew it all along, on some level.”

“I know you did, baby,” Nicky said quietly. “I know you did.”

Nicky cried for her that day, and at other times too. Nicky visited her in the hospital every day, except for during a couple weekend trips back to Canada to visit Shani. She attended the family therapy sessions, too, which seemed to confuse everyone, Franny especially.

After one visit, Franny pulled Nicky aside to talk to her privately. “Nicky, I have to talk to you about what’s going on here.”

“Sure yeah, I think she’s making so much progress, don’t you? Her counselor said she’s about ready for discharge and I totally agree, what do you think?”

“That’s not what I mean…” Franny shifted uncomfortably. “Look, I am so grateful to you for all you’ve done. Visiting Lorna all the time, helping her get back on her feet, and especially the money, I don’t know what we would have done without the money. But I just don’t get it. Why are you doing all this?” Nicky had a good sense of where Franny was going with this. “Are you two… are you more than friends? If you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I’m picking up what you’re puttin’ down, Franny. You don’t have to beat around the bush with me, okay? I’m a lesbian. A very out lesbian.”

“Okay sure, but Lorna’s not.”

“Touché. But that’s beside the point. We’re not together. I have a girlfriend. Who I actually haven’t seen in awhile, and I’d like to get home to her soon,” Nicky mused. Now that Lorna was doing so well, she could probably go back for good.

“But before, were you two – did you two ever –“

“We used to sleep together,” Nicky interrupted Franny, laughing internally at how uncomfortable she seemed.

“It seems like it was more than that,” Franny pointed out.

Now it was Nicky’s turn to feel uncomfortable. “You should probably talk to Lorna about that.”

“Hmm. Just be careful, Nicky. She gets very attached.”

“I’m not leading her on.”

“I didn’t say you were. And I know you wouldn’t mean to. But I’m not just looking out for her, here. I’m telling you to be careful with your own feelings, too. I notice things, you know, I see how you two are together. And you can say you have a girlfriend and that you and Lorna are just friends, but just… just be careful.”

Nicky’s insides twisted and she didn’t know how to respond to that, but Franny seemed to be comfortable letting their conversation end there. Nicky went to Lorna’s room to say goodnight.

“Hey kid, I’m gonna head out. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah…” Lorna twisted her hands nervously.

“What’s the matter?”

“They’re gonna discharge me soon.”

“That’s the good news!” Nicky squeezed her shoulder. “Don’t you wanna get out of here?”

“Yeah… I’m just scared is all. I don’t wanna fuck it all up.”

“You’re gonna be fine, kid. You got this. I know you can do it.”

“But like… I’m not gonna have to do it alone, right?”

“Of course not, you’ll be home with your sister and you’ll still go to group therapy and everything.”

“But what about you? You’re not going back to Canada for good yet are you?” Nicky pulled Lorna close and hid the grimace on her face. She had been planning on it, but it seemed like Lorna still needed her. “You’ll still be here to help me, right Nicky?”

“Course I will, kid,” Nicky told her. “I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

“Good news!” Nicky yelled as she burst into Piper and Alex’s apartment later that evening.

“They remembered the egg rolls this time?” Alex asked as Nicky set their dinner on the table.

“Shit, I actually forgot to check. But listen, Lorna’s getting out soon! Her counselor thinks she’s almost ready.”

“That’s great news,” said Piper, smiling as she helped herself to some fried rice.

“Yes!” Alex exclaimed, pulling out the egg rolls. “So glad about Lorna, I mean.” The three of them all laughed.

“So then, what does this mean for you?” Piper wanted to know.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, how long are you going to stay here?”

“You sick of me, Chapman?”

“No, I just mean… won’t Les pay for you to get your own place?”

Nicky frowned. “Yeah I think he probably would but it doesn’t make sense to sign a lease when I’m gonna go back to Canada eventually.”

“You think you’re going to go back and live with Shani?” Alex asked and exchanged a glance with Piper.

“Yeah, eventually that’s the plan.”

“Oh so things are going well with her then? When are you going back?”

“Yeah, I was gonna go back when Lorna got discharged but I’m actually gonna stay until she’s back on her feet. I’m gonna go see Shani real soon though, I actually need to book my flight.”

Nicky pulled up her travel app on her phone and scrolled through flights while they ate dinner. Just as Nicky was about to purchase a flight for the following weekend, the phone rang.

“Oh look, that’s Shani now.”

Nicky excused herself and took the call into Piper and Alex’s guest room that she had been calling home for the last several months.

“Did you buy your plane ticket yet?” Shani asked.

“No, but funny you should ask because I was just about to. What do you think, if I get in on next Friday does that work for you?”

“Actually I was going to tell you maybe not to buy one.”  
  
“Why not? If you’re busy that weekend I could come the one after?”

“No, I’m not busy, it’s not that.”  
  
“What, you don’t want to see me?” Nicky joked but Shani was quiet for a moment too long. “Shani?”

“Yeah, it’s not that I don’t want to see you, exactly. I do. But we can’t keep doing this, seeing each other once every few weeks. Long-distance was fine when we both knew you were going to live here eventually, but how long can we keep it up? Are you ever actually going to move out here?”

“I mean, yeah? I would like to, probably in the future, but I can’t right now.” Shani didn’t say anything and Nicky didn’t blame her. She knew exactly how flaky that sounded. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not gonna cut it. But I just can’t commit to moving out there yet, Lorna’s really struggling right now and I can’t just leave her to fend for herself.”

“What about me? You left me here. You’re a really good _friend _to Lorna, hmm?”

“That’s not fair. It’s really not like that.”

“You can say that all you want but the fact is you’re there for her but not here for me.”

“She needs me,” Nicky defended herself stubbornly but even as the words spilled out she knew how unfair that was to say to Shani.

“I need you too. I’m lonely here – I want a girlfriend, a real live girlfriend to spend time with me in person and join me on dates. It’s been months. How long am I supposed to wait?”

“Would you consider coming to New York?”

“We have been through this before, I can’t.”

“What if…” Nicky was grasping at straws, desperate to avoid a break-up. “What if we got married? Then you could be a citizen?”

Shani laughed. “This is not exactly my dream proposal, Nicky.”

Nicky bit her lip to keep it from wavering, holding back her tears. “I’m sorry, I know that sounded ridiculous. But we could do that, right? I don’t want to lose you.”

“So what, we get married and I move in with you but you still spend all your time with Lorna? I don’t think so.”

“I really do love you,” Nicky pled her case weakly, starting to cry.

“I know you do,” Shani assured her as Nicky cried harder. “I know you do. But we both know this isn’t right. It shouldn’t be this hard. We both deserve more. I love you, too.”

After they said their good-byes and hung up the phone, Nicky heard a knock on her door. Piper let herself in and Nicky felt embarrassed, sensing that she and Alex had heard the whole thing. Piper joined Nicky on the bed, embracing her as Alex joined them too, rubbing soothing circles on Nicky’s back.

“Looks like I can start looking for my own place after all,” Nicky joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“You can stay with us as long as you need,” Piper assured her. “Whatever you need.”

Alex and Piper laid with Nicky until she fell asleep. While they were leaving the room, the creak of the door woke her. She watched them leave, simultaneously grateful for their friendship and envious of their relationship. Why couldn’t she have what they had? Why did she always fuck it up? Nicky was finally at a point in her life where she wasn’t interested in sleeping around. She just wanted someone to love, and someone to love her in return. And she found it with Shani, but she still couldn’t make it work. Was she just destined to be alone? All of these unwanted thoughts haunted Nicky, and although sleep finally took her, it was more restless than ever.

* * *

“Not too short, okay? Just a trim is all we’re talking here, right?” Nicky liked to keep her hair long.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love your long hair,” Lorna assured her. “It’s beautiful, it’s beautiful, but I think you would look cute with it short!”

“Trust me, it’s not a good look for me.”

“Okay, I’ll just do a trim then. Are you sure you trust me with this?”

“Ready when you are, kid.” Nicky met Lorna’s eyes in the salon mirror and could tell she was nervous.

“Why don’t I just go ask Sophia to do it for you, maybe I’m not ready for this…”

“You gotta jump in sometime!” Nicky encouraged her. Truth told, Nicky didn’t even want a trim. She usually waited as long as possible, letting her hair just grow and curl up until it was absolutely unmanageable, and then she would cave and get it done. She was only doing this because she knew Lorna had only been doing make-up, nails, and hair styling so far at Sophia’s salon. If she got comfortable doing cuts, she could take on a lot more clients. And since Nicky wouldn’t mind if it didn’t turn out well, she figured she was Lorna’s perfect test subject. Only, Lorna seemed too anxious to give it a shot.

“Listen Lorna, however it turns out, I’m not gonna care. So don’t worry about me getting mad or something. And besides, I have total confidence in you - it’s gonna be great, okay? So get to snipping.”

Lorna took a deep breath and gathered most of Nicky’s wet hair into a clip, running her fingers through the very bottom layer to get it evened out and ready to cut. There was nothing left to do but begin cutting, but Lorna still hesitated.

“You’ve seen Sophia do it a bunch of times right?”

“Yeah, of course! I’ve watched loads of videos, too, and I practiced on some wigs.”

“You’ve got this, baby.”

Nicky smiled at her in the mirror and Lorna nodded seriously, finally starting her work with the scissors.

“Thanks for letting me do this, Nicky,” Lorna said. “I love doing make-up and everything but most of the people coming in here just want a haircut. You’re helping me out a lot.”

“Don’t mention it. You’re really liking it here, then? It’s a good fit, working for Burset?”

“Yeah, she’s been really great. This is the perfect job for me. Thank you for thinking of it.”

“Good. I’m happy for you.”

“Now we just gotta find something for you!”

“Whaddya mean?”

Lorna looked contemplative as she prepped another of Nicky’s numerous layers of hair. “Well, do you really like working in a law office?”

“It’s fine,” Nicky shrugged. “I gotta pay the bills somehow, and I’m lucky Les took me back. Not a lot of people are looking to hire an ex-junkie ex-con, you know.”

“Sure, it’s just, you’ve been back in the US permanently for a few months now, so I thought you would start looking for something, I don’t know, more _you_.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

Lorna smiled brightly at Nicky. “You know! A job that makes you happy. Something you’re excited about doing, that you’re really good at and enjoy.”

“I don’t know if that’s in the cards for me.” Nicky shook her head and Lorna gasped, nearly cutting at a spot she didn’t intend to.

“Keep your head still!”

“Sorry. I just think I maybe have to accept that I might never have a job like that. Plenty of people go through life satisfied with whatever job will take them. I think I’ve made my peace with it.”

“You deserve better than that.”

“Lorna, that’s very sweet and all, but I don’t even know what I would wanna do anyway. Not like I’m good at anything, either.”

“You’re joking, right?” Lorna stopped what she was doing with Nicky’s hair and turned the salon chair so she could look her in the eyes properly. “Look at me, so I know you’re really serious, saying that shit about yourself.”

Nicky laughed at her. “I’m serious! The only thing I’ve ever been good at is self-destruction.”

“Nicky Nichols!” Lorna stomped her foot and Nicky bit her lip to keep from laughing again. “Don’t you dare talk like that. You are one of the smartest people I know. You could be anything you want, I mean it.”

Nicky was touched. She didn’t know what to say. Lorna swiveled the salon chair again and resumed cutting her hair.

“You’re good at lots of things. What about this - remember when you played you were the prison doctor?”

Nicky smirked. “Sure do, baby. But I don’t think I want a job doin’ that.”

Lorna flushed. “Stop it, that’s not what I meant. You listened to everyone’s problems and helped with the medicine. And in MAX you helped all those girls get clean.”

“You know about that?”

“A little bit, yeah. On some of my better days when I was paying attention, I heard girls talking about it. And now, you’ve really helped me. You are the main reason I’ve gotten so much better, you’re better than any of my therapists. Maybe that’s what you should be!”

Nicky scoffed. “I don’t think so, listen to people’s problems all day? No thanks.”

“Not just like a typical therapist, like a counselor or a psychiatrist for people going through drug addiction. You could really help people find the right medications for them and everything too, you know an awful lot about drugs.”

“Well don’t you think the reason I know so much about drugs is the very reason I would never be a good counselor? Who the hell would want an ex-junkie for a counselor?”

“Everyone! Wouldn’t you? That could actually be your selling point. Wouldn’t it have been nice if you had had counselors who had actually been through everything you did? If they really knew what they were counseling on?”

Nicky sat silently for a minute, letting that sink in. “Point taken. Maybe you’re right about that. But you need a proper license to do that. I would need to go back to school, finish my degree and everything.”

“So do that.”

“With what money?”

“Don’t do that. ”

“What, you mean Les? I’m lucky that he just agreed to pay my rent so I can move out of Casa Vauseman soon. I’m ready to get my own place.”  
  
“Same here,” Lorna mumbled. “But I gotta save up first.” Lorna was living in her childhood home again and from what she had shared with Nicky, it wasn’t very pleasant. “Look, I get why you want your own place. But maybe you should go back to school instead. Use the rent money for school. If it costs even more I bet Les would pay for it. He wants you to succeed.”

Nicky considered the thought of going back to college, of actually becoming a counselor, and it all made a lot of sense. She always did well in school, after all, and drug addiction did seem to be her one area of expertise.

“So what do you think, Nicky?”

“Yeah, it’s not a bad idea. I’ll think on it.”

“No, I mean your hair!” Lorna scrunched Nicky’s curls a little bit and smiled proudly.

“I love it,” Nicky told her honestly. “You done good, kid.”

“Thank you so much, Nicky. For being my guinea pig and everything. Thank you.”

“Not a problem. What are friends for, eh?” Lorna’s face fell slightly at the word _‘friends’_ and Nicky grimaced internally. Ever since her break-up with Shani, Nicky had definitely picked up vibes from Lorna that she wanted to start things up again with them, romantically. Lorna was flirty and touchy and definitely hinting that she was still very much into Nicky. But Nicky wasn’t sure if she wanted to go down that road again. It had been so complicated with them, and Nicky had gotten so hurt. She didn’t want to risk that happening again. But she also had not had this conversation with Lorna yet, so she could see why dropping the _‘friends_’ word would sting a bit.

Lorna tidied her station and put on a smile anyway. “So, still on for lunch?”

Nicky nodded, smiling back at her. “Yeah, let’s do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading & any comments are so appreciated! Final chapter coming soon ☺


	8. To Be Loved Like That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the final chapter! Thank you to everyone who has been reading this story, and to anyone leaving kudos or feedback know I appreciate it so very much! I hope this ending doesn't disappoint :)

“No way, I’m telling you it’s a bad idea.”

“Sorry to say it but I’m with Nicky on this one.”

Piper turned to Alex with an irate look on her face, ready to scold her wife for disagreeing with her on her latest charitable mission.

“You’re taking Nicky’s side?”

“I’m not _taking her side_, I can have my own opinions about things, you know. I just feel the same way. Our apartment is crowded enough as it is, Lorna is just gonna have to figure something else out.”

Piper looked ready to blow but Nicky cut in. “Look, don’t get mad at Alex. She makes a valid point, but that’s not even what I was thinking. I don’t care if it’s crowded here, anything feels like a resort after Litchfield.” Alex tilted her head as if to concede agreement in that fact. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be roommates right now. I’m still getting the feeling from her that she wants to get back in bed with me, so to speak, and sharing a bedroom will make denying her that all the more complicated.”

Lorna was nothing if not persistent. Time and time again she would hit on Nicky, only to get rebuffed. It was a stark role reversal from the days when Nicky had been the one chasing after Lorna, and Nicky had to say she was not enjoying this taste of her own medicine. How many times was Nicky going to have to shut her down or change the subject before Lorna would stop flirting with her?

“Wait, you still haven’t talked to her about that?” This coming from Alex was a surprise. Nicky expected a lecture from Piper, not Alex. “You should really have that talk. You don’t wanna be leading her on.”

“I am NOT leading her on!” Nicky retorted. “I am dropping all the right hints, she’s just ignoring them.”  
  
Piper shook her head in disappointment. “Well then you’re gonna have to spell it out for her, because starting tonight you’re gonna be sharing a room.”

“Wait, we didn’t agree on that – it’s 2 against 1 here!” Alex argued.

“Well I have final say and I’ve already made up my mind,” Piper said. “I’m sorry if you don’t like it but this is my apartment. And she’s got nowhere else to go. She’s going crazy in that house.”

“Is it really that bad?” Alex wanted to know. Of the three of them, she was the only one who had not spent any time at the Morello household.

“Yeah, it kind of is,” Nicky admitted. She had seen for herself how living at her parents’ home was stunting Lorna’s progress. For one, the presence of her mother, who had not received proper treatment for her own depression, was like a constant reminder of Lorna’s own battle. Franny and her family would visit sometimes but mostly Lorna spent her time there haunted by her mother and verbally abused by her father. It wasn’t pretty, and Nicky had been thinking for some time that she needed to find somewhere else to live.

“Hold up, did you say tonight?” Alex asked. “You already told her she could come, didn’t you?”

Piper looked a little sheepish but continued to make her case. “You should have seen her today. I picked her up to take her out to lunch and I’m telling you she was a mess. I brought up the idea of her staying with us for a bit and her face completely lit up. I think it will really help her.”

“How could you offer that to her without even checking with me? Your apartment or not, we’re married and we’re supposed to decide these things together!”

“I didn’t think it was gonna be that big of a deal for you! Nicky’s the one whose life will be most disrupted, and sorry Nicky but you don’t get much say in the matter since I let you crash here for free.”

“Touché,” Nicky said.

“Look, it is what it is. Nicky, why don’t you go clear some space for her in your room and I’ll make dinner. Alex, can you help me?” Nicky and Alex exchanged glances. It seemed Piper really wasn’t going to budge. “Come on, she’s going to be here soon. Let’s get to it.”

Sure enough, Nicky had just finished emptying a couple drawers and shoving her things in the closet all the way to one side when there was a knock at the door. Watching Lorna get settled in and seeing how animated she was at dinner, Nicky had to acknowledge she looked far happier than most recent times. Nicky was still nervous, though, as she got ready for bed. Was Lorna going to push things tonight, or would she be fine to share the bed as friends? Nicky finished brushing her teeth and joined Lorna in the bedroom. Lorna was already changed and in bed, so Nicky lowered the lights.

“Do you mind if I keep the lights sorta dim? I still haven’t been able sleep in the dark since prison. It’s just weird to me now.”

“No it’s fine, I’m the same way.”

Nicky joined her in bed hesitantly and Lorna took Nicky’s hands, holding them in her own.

“I’m so happy I’m here, Nicky. I really needed to get out of there.”

“Yeah, Piper said it was bad today – are you sure you’re okay now?”

“Yes, I’m fine. I’m more than fine. I’ve been so looking forward to this… to _us_.”

Nicky bit her bottom lip. She _knew_ Lorna was going to get the wrong idea. “I think it’s time to go to sleep. Sweet dreams, kid.”

Nicky pulled her hands from Lorna’s grip and tried to roll over, intending to face the opposite direction, but Lorna had other plans. She took one of Nicky’s hands back and moved it under her nightie, placing it against her lower abdomen. Nicky was frozen. She could tell Lorna wasn’t wearing any underwear, and as Lorna moved her hand lower Nicky discovered that she was completely soaked. Lorna held eye contact with Nicky and pressed her hand tighter. Nicky still didn’t move, completely torn on how to proceed. On the one hand, Lorna felt _so_ good and Nicky wanted desperately to let this happen. It would be so easy to allow her fingers to find home within Lorna’s walls once more, to move her wrist just so, to scrape the spots that she knew would give Lorna exactly what she needed. Even though it had been years since they had last been together, Nicky remembered what Lorna liked and was so tempted to give in and pump into her with total abandon.

Lorna smiled coyly and curled Nicky’s fingers for her, but Nicky still didn’t cave. As much as she craved this and wanted very badly to continue, she decided to stand her ground. Nicky wanted them to stay friends, and if they started sleeping together again it was bound to get messy.

Nicky closed her eyes and gave a small shake of her head. “Lorna-”

Lorna interrupted, shushing her. Nicky tried to take her hand back but Lorna held it firmly and brought it to her mouth. Nicky almost forgot herself and nearly whined at the image of Lorna sucking her own slick off Nicky’s fingers, but she remained strong. She took her hand back and got out of the bed.

Lorna blinked out a few tears and looked on the verge of a larger meltdown. “Where are you going? Nicky, you don’t want me?” Nicky didn’t answer, not wanting to lie nor lead her on.

It hurt Nicky deeply to see Lorna so tearful and to leave her so needy, but she wanted to protect both of them from future heartache. She was determined to keep them from making any more mistakes.

“I’ll go sleep on the couch tonight. Tomorrow we can see about getting another bed in here.”

Now Lorna started to cry in earnest. “Why don’t you want me anymore?”

Nicky sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. She placed Lorna’s head against her chest, wiping her tears with one hand and running her fingers through her soft hair with the other. “You’re gonna find somebody one day, okay? The right guy’s out there, I know it.”

Lorna pulled away from Nicky and glared at her. “Would you stop doing that?”

“What?”

“You’re treating me like a child. Whenever I try to show you how I feel, you try to distract me by talking about something else- _the right guy is out there_\- why would you even say something like that? Can’t you tell that’s not what I want?”

“Baby, you just need to get laid, all right? That’s all that’s going on here.”

“Stop! There you go again! Don’t tell me how I feel, don’t tell me what this is about. I think I would know, Nicky!”

Nicky stood and walked to the door. “I think we should both just go to bed, all right? Goodnight.”

“Cut it out, I’m serious! I’m so sick of you treating me like I’m fragile. Cut the shit, and talk to me. I can handle it, I want to talk about this.”

Nicky was frustrated. She really didn’t want to get into it, but it seemed Lorna was determined to hash this out right now. “Look, you think you want me right now but you’re just confused. Or lonely. Or horny. Probably all of the above, okay? Either way, one of us has to be responsible here.”

Lorna got out of bed to meet Nicky and squeezed her shoulders. “I’m not a fucking baby Nicky, I know what I want and I’m not confused. I love you.”

Nicky removed herself from Lorna’s hold and shook her head. “You told me that before and then you married someone else.”

“That’s not fair. I was so lonely, Nicky, you have no idea. I know now it was a mistake, I know I shouldn’t have married Vince, but I was lonely-“

“Yeah, like you’re lonely now?” Nicky spat bitingly. “Can’t you see, I don’t want to be your warm body?”

“How could you even say that? You’re so much more to me than that, you have to know that.” Lorna tried to move in for a hug but Nicky shook her head and held up a hand to keep a distance between them.

“I don’t believe you.”

“You don’t trust me?” Lorna looked so hurt. “After all this time, how can you not trust me?”

“Because I _know_ you Lorna! You’re not thinking with your head- or your heart- you’re thinking with your cunt and I’m not stupid enough to fall for it. Even if you think you’re not trying to play with my heart, I know better. You’re so desperate to get some that you think you love me but trust me, you don’t. The second I’m done getting you off your eyes will move somewhere else. It’s your pattern.”

“I know why you would think that because of our past, but it’s different this time. I’m different. You have to believe me. Or do you just not love me anymore?”

“Of course I love you, Lorna.” Nicky’s voice broke. “I love you- I love you more than you could possibly know. And that’s why I can’t do this. You broke my heart, Lorna. I loved you so much, and you kept breaking my heart. I can’t take any more. I have to think about myself sometimes, okay? I’m not just being careful because I think you’re fragile. I’m fragile, too. More than you know.” Nicky was crying now. “I want to believe you, I do, but I can’t let you break my heart again. Please-please don’t be mad at me, you just have to understand. Please, can you understand that?”

Lorna pulled Nicky in for a hug and this time Nicky let her. Lorna clutched her hand in Nicky’s hair and nodded against her shoulder. “I’m not mad at you. Thank you for actually talking to me for once. It helps to know how you feel.” Lorna pulled Nicky’s face up to hers and cupped it, wiping her tears with her thumb. “Now I know, you just need me to prove that I’m serious about you.”

Nicky’s stomach dropped. That wasn’t what she meant at all; she wanted Lorna to drop it entirely. But she was too tired to argue any more tonight so she didn’t respond.

“I can do that,” Lorna vowed. “I’ll show you I’m serious.”

* * *

Over the course of the summer, Nicky and Lorna shared the spare bedroom chez Vauseman with limited arguments compared to that first night. Nicky slept in a lofted bed over Lorna, and although quarters were tight they lived comfortably compared to prison. Sometimes they bickered about the type of music they played, or the time of night that Nicky would finally go to bed, but most of the time they got along fine.

Once fall arrived, Nicky started classes, and since she was still working part-time for her dad to save up some money, she was rarely even home. Perhaps due in part to Nicky’s busy schedule, Lorna had actually stopped propositioning her. Lorna flirted on occasion but for the most part they had resumed their normal friendship. They still spent their free time together and Nicky was beyond grateful to have Lorna in her life. Sometimes she found herself wondering if she made the right choice to stay in New York instead of moving to Canada and trying to fight for Shani, but she was actually happy with her decision. She did miss Shani, but she would have been giving up everything else that was good in her life. She had her friends, a steady job, was doing well in school, and even had some family.

Though she had not fully forgiven Les for leaving her when she was young, Nicky couldn’t deny that he was doing his best to be a good father now. She and Michelle got along fine, and, much to Nicky’s surprise, she was extremely happy to live near her brother and sister. She had bonded especially with Sammi, who was nine going on nineteen, and liked to visit her siblings when she could.

On one of the their days off school, Les asked Nicky to watch the kids instead of come into work. She was happy to do it, used to babysitting by now and eager for a break from the law office. Lorna dropped Nicky off at Les’s place on her way to therapy, and Nicky offered for Lorna to come over and hang out with the kids after if she wanted. That way they could still spend time together on their day off.  
  
“Who was that?” Sammi asked.

“Who was what?”

“Who drove you here?”

“Oh, that’s my friend Lorna. She’s my roommate. She’s going to come back and hang out with us later, actually.”

“Why did she drive you here? Is she your girlfriend?” Sammi had a sly smile on her face.

“Uh, no,” Nicky said uncomfortably. “I Just don’t know how to drive and she does.”

“It’s okay, you can tell us if she is. Dad told us you’re a lesbian. We don’t mind.”

“Well, thanks for that,” Nicky muttered sarcastically. Her sexuality wasn’t why this subject made her uncomfortable – far from it. She knew that children her siblings’ ages could understand sexuality and were often more open-minded than many adults. She just really wanted to avoid a conversation about Lorna and why they weren’t more than friends.

“I’m hungry,” Atticus announced.

“Excellent!” Nicky pounced on the change of subject. “Let’s make lunch.”

“Can we make cookies too?” Sammi asked eagerly.

“Yes, yes, an excellent idea.”

By the time they had cooked up their lunch, made the cookie dough, and gotten the cookies in the oven, Lorna had returned from therapy. Lorna joined them in the kitchen and the children made their introductions. Lorna was a natural with kids, probably from years of practice with her nieces and nephews, and it warmed Nicky’s heart to witness how easily they built a rapport.

Once the cookies were done, Atticus was antsy for a change of scenery. “I want to do something! Can we go to the park?”

“It was raining when I got here,” Lorna informed them.

“Sorry buddy, another time. Why don’t we play a game?”

“Oh, yeah, we have the new Mario game, does Lorna know how to-“

“We have Life!” Sammi interrupted. “I’ll go get it.”

The four of them played together on the playroom floor, and Nicky felt a pang of nostalgia for the childhood she never had. She used to dream about being a normal family that had fun playing games together. For a long time she had given up on that dream, so she felt particularly grateful for moments like these even if they were happening for her at 34 instead of as a youth.

When it was Nicky’s turn get married in the game, Sammi smirked and handed her a little pink figure. Nicky rolled her eyes, but she actually thought it was kind of sweet. Later on, when it was Lorna’s turn to take a spouse, Sammi got far too excited.

“Yay! So, Lorna, do you want a husband or a wife?”

That little deviant. Nicky should have known Sammi was up to something. What kind of kid chooses to play Life over video games?

“Oh, um, whatever…”

“Wait, are you a lesbian like Nicky?” Atticus asked.

Nicky spluttered. “Atticus! You can’t just ask people stuff like that! Lorna, I’m sorry-”

“It’s okay, Nicky. No, I’m not a lesbian.”

“So do you want to marry a man, then?” Sammi inquired.

“You mean in the game?”

“I mean… in general… you want to marry a man one day?”

“Sammi, that’s enough.” Nicky’s voice sounded uncharacteristically stern even to her own ears.

“No, it’s fine. Really, I’m fine with it, Nicky. It’s a complicated answer though, Sammi, you sure you wanna hear it?”

Sammi nodded solemnly. “The game can wait.”

“Well I’ve been married to a man. And even though it didn’t work out, I think I would be happy to marry a man again. If I was in love with one, that is. And I did spend most of my life thinking I would want to marry a man. But I’ve been in love with a woman too, and I would be happy to marry her one day."

“So you’re bisexual,” Sammi stated.

“Yes,” Lorna laughed. “Very good. You’re pretty smart.”

Nicky’s eyes rounded like saucers. She couldn’t believe this was happening.

“Who’s the woman you love? Is it Nicky?” Sammi asked.

“I said that’s enough!” Nicky interrupted again.

“Yeah, if you and Nicky both want to marry girls you should just marry each other,” Atticus pointed out.

“That’s not how it works – people marry each other for more reasons than that – and this conversation is over, anyway!” Nicky needed to shut this down before she exploded from discomfort. “Lorna, a word?”

Nicky pulled Lorna into the hall and paced, her heart thudding rapidly in her chest. She felt like she was going to have an anxiety attack. Talking about her feelings for Lorna, and Lorna’s feelings for her, was hard enough for Nicky, let alone in the presence of her brother and sister.

“What’s the matter with you?”

“With ME?! You’re not bisexual, Lorna, what the hell!”

“Of course I am. I’ve been talking about it a lot in therapy, actually, it makes perfect sense.”

“No, it doesn’t. Being with me – it doesn’t count, right? We were in prison. You didn’t exactly have many options. Lots of people fuck around with the same sex in prison, it doesn’t make them gay. It’s just part of the prison lifestyle, right?”

“Maybe for some people that could be true, but not for me. I’m attracted to you, prison or not. That makes me bisexual.”

“Lorna!” Nicky pulled at her own hair in exasperation. “Look – when we were together, I could tell you weren’t exactly hot for ladies, all right? I’ve been with enough straight girls to be able to tell. With you, I may as well have been a man, okay? You weren’t into my tits or my pussy and I was fine with it, I was happy to be there for you. I’m not complaining or anything, I’m just trying to explain to you – the sex would have been different, if you were into me that way. Don’t you see?”

“I do, I get what you’re saying. But like I said – I’ve been through this in therapy. Back then, I was still totally cuckoo for Christopher right? I was in denial about a lot of things before. So it makes sense that I was acting like a straight girl who just missed her fiancé.”

“Well what about after that?”  
  
“How do you mean?”

“Like, after you told me about Christopher and everything. We started sleeping together again then, and once more when you were pregnant. And still you always let me… take the lead… ohw do you explain that?”

“I thought you liked it that way!” Lorna looked hurt. “I didn’t realize all this time I was such a bad lay for you.”  
  
“Come on, I didn’t mean it like that. Of course I loved it, I loved every minute of it.”

Nicky wasn’t lying. She knew she was lucky that a little friction, even over her clothes, was enough to get her off and she was able to enjoy herself during sex whether other women were into touching her back or not. And with Lorna, it had always been especially good.

“Look, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Like I said – I’m not complaining, I just think you’re confused right now, is all. About your attraction to me and everything – it’s complicated because of our sexual history but that doesn’t mean you’re actually attracted to me. You’re just confused, okay?”

“I’m not confused, Nicky. I like women. Jesus, you sound so self-centered right now. You think you’re the only woman I’ve ever been attracted to? Not that you’re not hot, Nicky, but I’ve noticed other girls too. It might have taken me awhile but I’ve figured myself out – I’m bisexual. Get used to it.”

Nicky didn’t have a chance to respond because Sammi opened the door and looked at them expectantly. “Are we gonna finish the game or what?”

“Of course we are!” Lorna smiled and walked back into the playroom. “Let’s play.”

Nicky watched her walk away and took several deep breaths before following. This was _not _how she had imagined her day going, and it was a lot to take in. But Atticus and Sammi were waiting for her, so she was just going to have to process later.

* * *

Piper loved Halloween. Nicky could tell because Piper had plastered the entire apartment with cobwebs and other spooky décor, and could talk about nothing else but their upcoming Halloween party for the weeks leading up to it. Nicky would have preferred to skip the party and focus on her studies, but Piper had invited some of the old crew from Litchfield so Nicky decided to participate. Nicky put far less effort into her costume than most of their friends, and Flaca did not hold back in pointing it out while they caught up on the balcony.

“What are you supposed to be, Nichols, some kind of hipster kid?”

Nicky smirked, thinking privately that Flaca was close enough. “Nah, I’m Vause.”

“How so?”

Nicky gestured to her glasses – a set of 3D glasses with the lenses popped out – as though the look needed no explanation.

“That’s it? Just the glasses? Gotta say Nichols, thought you of all people would get more creative than that.”

“What can I say, I’m too short for her clothes. What do you care anyway, isn’t every day basically Halloween for you, Miss Goth Barbie?”

“This coming from Heroin Barbie, please.”

Nicky punched Flaca’s arm playfully; they teased each other, but it was in good spirits. “I missed you.”

Flaca only tsked in response as Alex joined them on the balcony.

“Give me one of those.” Alex snapped her fingers in the direction of Nicky’s cigarette and used her other hand to paw at Nicky’s jacket pockets.

“Take it easy, Stretch, the pack’s inside. Here, just finish this one.” Nicky raised her eyebrows, surprised at the request, but handed Alex the remainder of her cigarette anyway. Alex didn’t smoke often, so something must have been wrong. “The fuck’s up with you?”

Alex took a long drag and rolled her eyes. “Piper’s driving me batshit.”

“What’s she done now?”

“She’s barely left the kitchen this whole party! She’s the one who wanted to have this stupid party but she’s fixated on making all these Pinterest-perfect Halloween themed snacks. And now I’m the one left to play hostess and mingle with all of her friends that I don’t even like. Not you, Flaca – no offense.”

“Mmmhm.”

“Why don’t you stay out here with Flaca for a bit? Take a break, and I’ll take over for Piper in the kitchen.”

“You’re a lifesaver, Nichols.”

Nicky truly didn’t mind. She wasn’t interested in socializing much more anyway. She found Piper in the kitchen frantically dicing vegetables.

“Go have fun, Piper, I got this.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t make enough food! I thought everyone would mostly be drinking!”  
  
“Sobriety is trending. What do you need me to do? I’ll take care of it and you can spend time with your friends.”

“I think I’ve replaced most of the snacks but the guacamole is completely out, do you know how to make it?”

Nicky rolled her eyes. “You seem to forget that I ran an entire fucking kitchen for a minute there, Piper. Go, I’ll be fine.”

“Why don’t I send Lorna in here to help you?”

“No!” Nicky responded a little too quickly.

“Why, are things still a little weird between you two?”

“What, you mean since she suddenly decided she’s bisexual and announced it while I was baby-sitting my kid siblings? Why would things be weird?” Nicky laid the sarcasm on thick.

“Don’t be so biphobic, Nicky.”

“Excuse me?”

“Bisexuality is totally valid. You acting like it’s her choice, talking shit like that in front of me of all people – it’s disrespectful, is all.”

Nicky hadn’t thought about Piper’s feelings all; she was being a little insensitive. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t talking about you - I didn’t mean it like that.”  
  
“Regardless, you should have more respect for her – coming out was probably really hard and the way you’re treating her isn’t helpful. I know why this is hard for you to process, but just think about how she feels, all right?”

Piper left to join the party and Nicky stared after her, properly admonished. She hated it when Piper was right. Nicky set her fake glasses aside and started to prepare the vegetables. Lorna entered not moments later and Nicky groaned.

“Ugh, did Piper send you? I swear she thinks I’m totally incompetent, I know how to mash an avocado.”

“No, she didn’t, I just thought you might want some company.”

“Thanks,” Nicky said, and she handed Lorna a cutting board. They worked well together; it felt almost reminiscent of the time they spent in the ICE kitchen. Lorna chopped and Nicky stirred, and they very quickly had a healthy portion of guacamole to serve up.

“Well, I better bring this out before Piper has an aneurism,” Nicky joked, reaching for the bowl. Lorna stopped her, placing one hand on her wrist and closing the space between them.

“Or we could stay in here awhile longer. I doubt we’ll be missed.”

Nicky knew what Lorna was up to. She had been wondering how long it would be before she propositioned her again. “Lorna – I don’t think –“ Nicky’s words caught in her throat as Lorna put her other hand up Nicky’s skirt. Against her better judgment, she felt heat rise in her belly. No one could actually see them – everyone was in the other room, and a passerby couldn’t possibly see what was happening behind the kitchen island – but the small chance of someone glimpsing them was enough to turn her on and suddenly Nicky forgot herself completely. It also didn’t help that Lorna had selected a very revealing nurse’s uniform that gave Nicky flashbacks of a certain encounter in the prison pharmacy.

As Lorna grazed her fingers up Nicky’s thigh, she felt hyper-aware of everything that was happening but had no control over her body. Lorna was _touching_ her, and taking her hand, and then leading her into the pantry. Lorna was kissing her with those soft lips that felt just like they used to feel and Nicky was absolutely melting. Nicky’s hands roamed under Lorna’s blouse of their own accord and landed on her breasts as though by muscle memory. She gasped, her mouth abruptly abandoned. Lorna had gotten on her knees and was putting her head under Nicky’s skirt, and at this Nicky startled. This was new territory. When they used to fuck in prison this had never been Lorna’s style. She always preferred Nicky to be the dominant one.

“Wait, wait, wait, what are you doing?” Nicky pulled Lorna onto her feet.

“I’m showing you I’m serious.”

“I don’t need you to do this, okay? I’m sorry about what I said at Les’s the other day. You don’t have to prove anything to me.”

“But I do. I need to prove that I love you.”

“Like this? That – that’s not what I meant. This doesn’t show me that you love me. You still just need to get laid. And as much as we both might want to do this in the moment, I can’t let it happen, we’ll both regret it. What we have right now is so good, please let’s not ruin it?”

“I’m not doing this because I’m horny.” Lorna furrowed her eyebrows. “Well, I mean, I am horny, not gonna lie. But that’s not all this is – I’m telling you, I love you, Nicky.”

“I promise you don’t really mean that.”

“Don’t start that again – I can’t keep having this conversation.”

“Neither can I!”

“Why is it so hard for you to believe that I love you? Do you think that little of me – or of yourself – that you have no faith in us?”

Nicky didn’t say anything. They were at an impasse.

“Do you still think I’m not actually attracted to you?” Lorna shimmied out of her underwear before guiding Nicky’s hand under her nurse uniform for Nicky to feel the evidence for herself. Nicky hissed. “Feel how wet I am, honey. That’s all thanks to you, all right? I’m not hot like this for anybody else. All I can think about is you. Please.”

That was the final straw for Nicky. She never did have very strong willpower, especially when it came to sex, and to have Lorna begging for her like this was something she just couldn’t resist. Nicky thrust her fingers roughly into her and Lorna bit down on Nicky’s jaw line to keep from screaming. Lorna yanked Nicky’s hair and squeezed her free hand between them to remove Nicky’s panties. Nicky practically yelped when Lorna entered her, so Lorna covered her mouth with her own. She pushed Nicky up against the pantry shelves and a can of soup nearly knocked into them on its way down, but nothing could stop them now. Lorna was already clenching around Nicky’s fingers, and she came so fast Nicky nearly missed it.

Nicky didn’t relent, lifting Lorna with her palm so forcefully that they knocked the shelves again and Lorna lost her place within Nicky. She re-entered her and Nicky thought she might combust. Perhaps it spoke to their sexual chemistry, or more likely to the fact that both of them were long overdue to get laid, but it didn’t take long before Lorna was coming again and then Nicky wasn’t far behind her. After, Nicky sank to the floor and tried to catch her breath.

“Fuck,” she uttered between gasps. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” She scrambled to replace her underwear and threw Lorna’s at her. “We should not have done that. We should _not_ have done that.”

Lorna looked heartbroken at Nicky’s reaction.

“This was a mistake. We can’t do this again, Lorna. I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I did this.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m glad it happened, even if you’re not.”

“I’m so fucking stupid. What’s wrong with me, how did I let this happen?”

“You know there’s two of us in here, right? I decided this for myself, thank you.”

Nicky looked Lorna in the eyes seriously. “Are you listening to me? I don’t want to do this again. You understand, right?”

Lorna wiped tears away. “I do. I don’t understand why you feel that way, but I hear you.”

“I don’t want to test our friendship. It’s not worth it to risk something so good. You are my best friend, Lorna. The best friend I’ve ever had. I can’t risk losing that. Please understand.”

Nicky pulled Lorna in for a hug to comfort her and they stayed in the pantry for a while longer. She hoped what just happened wasn’t enough to ruin things. She cherished their friendship too much to get into a relationship. At least maybe now that they had had sex, Lorna would get the idea of them getting together out of her system. Maybe it would give her the push she needed to realize they were better off as friends.

* * *

As the weeks passed in November, Lorna did not seduce Nicky at all. Nicky supposed their one tryst in the pantry was enough to curb Lorna’s sexual appetite, at least for the time being if not permanently. Neither of them brought up the incident and they were able to go about their lives as usual. Nicky was grateful that their friendship seemed stronger than ever, but a part of her was still struggling since their rendezvous had reignited a new wave of heartache. Even just having sex the one time was enough to bring up all of Nicky’s feelings for Lorna, and she mourned what could have been. She wanted so badly to be happy and in love, but the universe just kept working against her. Nicky had been trying really hard to move on from Lorna, but now she felt like she had to start over again.

For a time Nicky had nearly accepted the idea that she and Lorna were meant to be just friends, but recently she had found herself wishing they could be something more. She noticed it in the little things – in the envy she felt of passerby couples holding hands, the way her stomach fluttered at the sound of Lorna’s laugh, or at the sparks she swore she felt between their shoulders when they watched TV on the couch together.

Getting ready with Lorna was always the highlight of her workday morning. Lorna liked to do Nicky’s hair, teasing her that she would have to get used to taming the beast if she ever wanted to work for someone besides her father. Nicky played it off as though she didn’t care either way, but she secretly adored the attention. She would never tire of the feel of Lorna’s fingers running through her hair, and she couldn’t deny how much more professional she looked.

On days when Nicky had class, though, she had to leave long before Lorna would rise. Whenever her phone buzzed, her heart leapt slightly at the hope that it was Lorna.

And at the end of any given day, she looked forward to coming home to Lorna more than anything else. The fact of the matter was simple: Nicky Nichols was completely smitten.

On Thanksgiving day, the sound of a crash woke Nicky early in the morning.

“Lorna?”

“I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to wake you – I’m just so damn clumsy, I knocked over the lamp.”

“It’s fine, are you okay?” Nicky turned on the light to see the lamp had fallen but not broken and Lorna looked more than okay. She was already dressed, and like she had somewhere important to be for that matter. “What time is it? Why are you all dressed up?”

“It’s early, just go back to bed. I have a meeting.”

“What kind of meeting?”

“It’s nothing, don’t you worry about it.”

“Will you still be back in time to go with me to Les’s for Thanksgiving dinner?”

“Yes, yes, I’ll see you in a little bit.”

Lorna raced out the door and Nicky, albeit a little confused, shrugged it off and went back to bed. Lorna didn’t return until that afternoon, and when she did get back to their apartment she left her coat and shoes on.

“Are you ready to go yet?”

“I guess,” Nicky shrugged. “They’re not expecting us for a couple hours though, I think.”

“That’s perfect. C’mon - I want to show you something.”

As Lorna drove through the city traffic, Nicky tried to guess what she was up to.

“You gonna tell me where we’re going?”

“It’s a surprise!” Lorna squeaked. “Anyway – what’s Thanksgiving like for the Nichols family, huh? Tell me all about it.” Lorna’s voice was far higher than usual – her anxiety was palpable but Nicky didn’t push her.

“Uh, it’s fine? Turkey, pumpkin pie, y’know, the usual. Do you not want to go? Is that why you’re acting strangely?”

“I’m not acting strange!” Lorna lied.

“Uh-huh. Look, if you wanna go have dinner with your sister instead my feelings aren’t gonna be hurt, all right? It’s your first big holiday spent outside bars, I would totally get it.”

“No- that’s not it – oh look, we’re here.” Lorna flushed, visibly nervous, and parked the car outside an apartment building Nicky didn’t recognize. Lorna used a key to enter the building and Nicky grew concerned that Lorna had stolen someone’s keys and was starting to lose it again.

“Lorna, what are we doing here?”

“Ta-da!”

“Uh… what? What am I supposed to be looking at?”

“It’s my new apartment! Well – _our_ new apartment, really, if you’re willing.” Nicky’s jaw dropped a little; she didn’t know what to say. “I know it’s not much – I can’t afford anything bigger than a studio if we want to stay in Brooklyn, which I figured we should. But look around, I tried to give you an idea of what we could do with it.”

Lorna took Nicky’s hand and showed her around. “Look, I got this rack for above the sink so we can save a little space.” Nicky had been wondering where her coffee mug went this morning. It was already hanging, a black mug with white lettering in all caps ‘FUCK’, side by side with Lorna’s, a white mug with a lipstick handle and the phrase ‘but first, lipstick.’

“And I got this speaker for the bathroom, it’s supposed to make your phone louder so you can hear your music in the shower.” Nicky took note of the shower decor, a plain white curtain with large mascara brush strokes painted across it. They went back to the main room, which had a mattress under the window and a desk along the wall.

“I know I need to get a lot more furniture, but I thought this was a start. At least you have a desk, so you can study properly instead of at the counter in Piper’s kitchen. And we can put a bookshelf right here for all your favorites.”

Nicky ran her hand along the desk and looked at the corkboard above it. Lorna had printed and pinned a ton of photos, some of just Nicky with Lorna, some of Nicky with other friends, and a few of Sammi and Atticus too.

“It’s all I got so far, but I just signed the lease this morning so y’know it’s a work in progress.”

Nicky was speechless. Lorna had put this all together – for her?

“After what happened on Halloween, I’ve been thinking. And not just me talking to my crazy self, I’ve seen my therapist a lot these last few weeks. And I figured out that it’s time for me to get out of Piper’s apartment and make a life of my own. I’ve been talking to her about my feelings for you, too, and I know it in my heart that I want to be with you. Whether you come with me or not, though, I’m moving out. I think it’s gonna be good for me. I’m in love with you, Nicky. I don’t wanna be just roommates or just friends. And it’s too hard for me there, at Piper’s, to live with you and not have more. So here it is, my last try at showing you I seriously love you and wanna spend my life with you. But if you – if you don’t feel the same way, I promise, after this I’ll stop asking. I’ll let it go and really try to move on. So what do you say?”

“You did all of this for me?” No one had ever made such a gesture for Nicky before. She had feared that no one was ever going to love her like this, but here Lorna stood before her, heart fully exposed through her confession of love, and for _Nicky_. It was enough to make her cry.

“I told you I love you,” Lorna smiled and twisted her foot nervously. “You know how I get obsessed with the romance and all.” Nicky smiled at her through her tears. “Will you cut the suspense Nicky? I’m dying here – are those happy tears or what?”

“Hell yeah, I’m happy. C’mere, baby,” Nicky laughed and grabbed the front of Lorna’s blouse, pulling her in for a kiss. “I’m happy.” Nicky couldn’t stop giggling. She kissed every inch of Lorna’s face in between giggles. “I’m in shock, I’m sorry – but I’m happy.” It was contagious – Lorna was crying happy tears now too, and Nicky had begun to double over in laughter.

“Sit down, honey,” Lorna guided Nicky to the bed. “Breathe, right?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, nothing about this is funny! This is the most romantic moment of my life. I don’t know why I’m laughing. I just can’t believe this is really happening – to _me_.”

“Of course it is,” Lorna told her solemnly. She thumbed Nicky’s tears away and clutched her chin. “You are the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. The smartest, funniest, most gorgeous person on this Earth.”

Nicky shook her head in disbelief. “That would be you, Lorna. You’re the incredible one. I’m so lucky.”

“You’re beautiful, Nicky.” Lorna pressed her nose against Nicky’s cheek and breathed the words softly into her ear. “One day you’ll believe me.”

Nicky moved her mouth slightly to meet Lorna’s and kissed her with everything she had. She wasn’t laughing anymore.

“Wait,” Lorna broke their lips apart. “We don’t have to have sex right now. I don’t want you to think that’s all this is about.”

“No, I know. I’m finally, really, hearing you. I hear you and I see you and I am so sorry it took me this long to catch up. I love you, Lorna.” Nicky rolled Lorna underneath her and peppered her with more kisses. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

As it turned out, Nicky was glad they had an opportunity to do it quick and dirty in the pantry the prior month. It meant they had been together recently enough that now around they could take their time. Nicky had always loved having sex with Lorna, but for the first time she knew Lorna loved her back and that made all the difference. When Lorna went down on her, she did it so sweetly that Nicky had truly never felt so loved. And when they were through, they lay together comfortably as long as time allowed, limbs entwined and foreheads pressed together.

All too soon, though, they had to shower and depart for Thanksgiving with the Nichols family. During the drive, Nicky listened to Lorna chatter about the best thrift shops to buy furniture for their new place. She nodded along to whatever Lorna had to say. Nicky didn’t give two shits about what their apartment looked like. They could live in a tent for all she cared, so long as they were together and she could keep feeling like this.

They entered Les’s apartment hand in hand and her siblings greeted them eagerly.

“You guys remember Lorna, right?” Was Nicky smiling too widely? She couldn’t help it.

Sammi instantly noticed that they were holding hands and squealed. “I thought she wasn’t your girlfriend?”

Nicky and Lorna looked at each other and grinned, both more than happy to share the news.

“She is now.”

Sammi and Atticus both jumped up and down. Nicky laughed in surprise; she had no idea they would be so excited for her. It felt good to celebrate with them, though. They all sat down together for dinner and Nicky reflected that she had never cared much for Thanksgiving until now. As a child Nicky didn’t enjoy the holiday, due both to its imperialist origins and not being close to any family. But today, on the day she and Lorna rekindled their love, it felt appropriate to give thanks. She knew what she was thankful for, for today and for the rest of her life.


End file.
